My Head Hurts
by PinkMartini
Summary: Legolas has a nervous break down from the madness that is called FanFiction. He seeks counsel from a therapist to try and calm his metal strain, but how long will it take to actually get there? Includes appearances from other LotR characters!
1. Let the Walking Begin

**Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.  **

**A/N:  Just thought I'd imagine what it would be like when Legolas finally had a nervous break down.  With all the new stories being generated about the Elven-prince (forming this very minute!) out there, seeking a therapist for his troubled mind was in due order.  And, it sounded fun.  Appearances from other LotR characters as well to make things a little more interesting.  ;)  **

AND, I'm also sure it's been done before, but I haven't done the actual research to look through the massive files on it on FF.Net.  This is my own creative interpretation.  Simple as that.  Offense **NOT intended to any authors/stories, myself included.  I also apologize in adavance if your 'favorite' character is not portrayed the way you'd like them to be.  It's just a bit of fun so relax and take a deep breath! ^_~**

**My Head Hurts**

**Part I:**

**Let the Walking Begin**

Legolas could hear the clashing of a staff against the wooden floor outside the hallway as he gazed outside the window watching the forest fill quickly with the pouring of snow from the sky above.  The hrívë season had finally approached Eryn Lasgalen.

He turned his head at the opening door to see if it was the one who he was so patiently waiting for in the study.  A long bearded fellow with a pointy hat popped his head inside and glanced around the room.

"Legolas?" he called out.

"Here I am," the prince sighed.  Nope.  He definitely wasn't the one he was waiting to see.  His clothes were too filthy and he smelled funny.  Funny like an old Man that's been doing Eru knows what in Middle-earth.  _Probably didn't know what a decent bath was if it bit him in the a -  _

"As you know, she is very old and cannot walk well, therefore you must go to her.  Come, I will escort you," he motioned with his staff.

"Thank you, Gandalf," replied Legolas.  _I hope she smells better than he does._

The wizard led him down the corridor and soon enough they stopped in front of a door that read, 'Minno!' 

"Ah, here we are," nodded Gandalf.

"So, this is where I shall have my session?" Legolas looked at the door curiously.

"Oh, no! This is only the first door, my boy," Gandalf shook his head.  The prince gave him an 'are-you-kidding-me' stare.

"First door?!" he whined.  "How many doors are there going to be, Mithrandir?" 

Gandalf inwardly cringed at the name given to him by the Elves and started mumbling to himself about how the prince should know such things.  He _did live there after all.       _

"What was that, Mithrandir?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.

The wizard cringed again like he just heard freshly manicured nails scraping against a blackboard that was placed in a room that enhanced any sound in resonating tones.  Being called by _that name, he knew the prince meant business.  _

Was it his fault that he had to go to therapy because he couldn't cope with all the love-struck/happiness/heartaches/I-need-my-daddy/misery/lonliness/confused and etcetera, etcetera emotions he had to endure on FF.Net?  No, he didn't think so.  

_Whuss...  _

"Oh, nothing.  Just a few more doors, is all, no need to worry," he cleared his throat then silently continued to mutter incoherent words under his breath.

About a half an hour later, a few more doors turned into a dozen more doors with the same form of elvish writing, 'Minno!', carved dead in the center.  Gandalf turned right, then right again, then left and then right again.  He was utterly confused.  _When I find the architect who decided to get creative in building this place into a maze I'm going to -_

"Gandalf!  Are we there yet?!  We have been walking around aimlessly for quite sometime now.  You do know how to get there, don't you?" Legolas gave him an exasperated stare. 

The stare. The staring was beginning to get under the Maia's skin like a bad itch that grew into an irritating red spot the longer you scratched at it.  Whatever came out of his mouth was followed by a stare.  'Gandalf, I'm hungry.'  Stare.  'Gandalf, my feet are becoming weary.'  Stare.  'Gandalf, I need to use the loo.'  Stare.  Didn't his mother ever teach him that staring at others was impolite?  He guessed not from the murderous twinkle in his blue orbs that became visible whenever he was either being threatened to shut up or ignored.  

_HA! Where's your prized bow and arrow now, huh?!  _

The wizard was seriously contemplating on poking the princes' eyes out.  'The Elf would do well to not cross the _most powerful wizard in the Order,' he sulked.  He might have looked like an old Man but he was more vigorous than he and held greater knowledge than any old Elven manuscript or song could __ever possess.  So there!  And, Saruman, you say?  Saruman who?! _

_Whuss..._

"I believe we should have made a left in the last corridor.  Or was it to go straight?" he asked himself aloud, pondering on where to direct their seemingly endless path. 

Legolas rolled his eyes.  He was becoming very impatient.  The romantic stories that were constantly taking shape on the site were starting to make him go a bit mad.  He almost plunged into the blade of Aragorn's sword when he was informed that most of the stories finally evolved into 'Legomance'.  The whole, 'Oops, I've tripped on a broken tree branch but really aiming for the sword's blade' thing was purely accidental he said.   

Aragorn, on the other hand, says otherwise.  

He swore that the Elf had a blissful look on his face just before he sheathed Narsil back into its place to avoid the peril that the prince was about to encounter.  The Ranger/Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/whatever-he-wants-to-be-called, also spoke of the ill tidings that came his way.  Days after the incident he received nothing but numerous threats in the form of letters saying, 'peril-shmeril, let me die already!' and how he should learn to sleep with his eyes open for he may never be able to open them again once they are closed.  'I know where you live!' were also stated in print. 

The prince denied these accusations, of course, but evidence showed that he had sealed the envelopes with his family symbol by mistake and tried scratching out his name in the letters with a fork.  Unfortunately, Thranduil couldn't do much in restraining his son from the Ranger so he advised him to simply stay alert.  

Really now, what was the Elvenking to do?  He couldn't very well keep the prince caged up like some wild animal, could he?  That was inhuman, although Elves were not Humans to begin with (hmm...).  Let's not forget that the Fellowship and their constant interruptions of pit stops and extra companions clad in female-form would also be missing a vital member.  We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?

Besides, no one else among the eight wanted to learn his lines.  

And, that's when Aragorn became a little unsettled.  Deadly stares (again with the staring) arose from Legolas' eyes with an occasional 'tongue sticking out behind his back when he wasn't looking' tactic.  Showing no fear to the supposed enemy, however, the Ranger kept his relaxed state of mind.   

After all, he did learn a thing or two growing up in the Elven culture.  He learned much of the Elven wisdom and how to enhance his hearing ability by listening to his surrounding environment.  From his current situation he also finally learned how sleep with his eyes open...or at least fake it really well.  Just in case...

Legolas shuddered at the relentless stories of falling Humans into his world and all the hysteria that came from the race.  'That was cool!', 'Like, oh my God!', 'You're such a hottie, my friends are so going to die!' were just some of the phrases that these creatures often used.  A 'hottie'?  Sounded like an insult if you asked him.  And, why would anyone wish death upon their friend?  Very odd.  He was thankful that he didn't speak Human (such harsh tongues they have).  What a strange language, indeed.  Most of them, as well, seem to originate from a place called Earth (that's with no 'Front', 'Middle', or 'Back' in front of it).    

But, some of the stories were fairly good, though, he had to admit.  He especially liked the ones with adventure, and mystery, and blood, and killing, and maiming and...well, you get the idea.  The Elf liked action.  Not just _that kind of action, mind you, but the kind where he faced hideous monsters other than the Orcs and Uruk-hais and the great spiders of Mirkwood.  He laughed in the face of danger except when confronted with the worst kind of enemy.  The enemy known to the inhabitants of Middle-earth to be the most hideous and dangerous of foes.  The fangirls.  _

Having some of his old buddies from the Fellowship was always good company in these type of situations.  It made things livelier!    

The stories he couldn't bear were the ones that started off well in the beginning but then somewhere down the Writing Chapter in Progress Road, or WCPR, it mutated into something else all together, making absolutely no sense.  It was like a fork in the road with two different destinations.  One could either follow the path with a sign that says, 'This way for inspiration', or the other that says, 'Bed and Breakfast 5 more miles'. If you also cover the 'W' with one finger, you get CPR, and by Eru help him, because that's what he'll need if the most unfortunate route is taken.  But, then again, we must take all things into consideration.  Since Hobbits tend to loose sight of their objectives when food is mentioned (especially mushrooms), all Hobbit-authors are excluded from this road.   

And, if he could mention it once, he'd mention it again.  Archery skills, people, archery skills!  He didn't practice the fine art of handling the weapon if he wasn't going to use it at least once in a story (with the exception of certain stories/genres, of course).  At least mention the darn thing.  That was his preciousss baby, his pride and joy.  Mentioning his Elven blades were okay too...he guessed...but actually being able to put those bad boys into good use?  Even better!  

Luckily, Elven weaponry didn't rust.  

Legolas thought about a good name he could call himself, like a new title other than the Prince of Mirkwood/Eryn Lasgalen/whatever-time-phrase-you-want-to-use to name _that part of the forest.  That Orlando Bloom fellow crossed his mind while thinking, and he found it puzzling how his features looked incredibly familiar.  Past life perhaps?  But his familiarity was beside the point it was what he said.  He said, "He's an assassin."  _

_Yes!  Good name.  I like that.  No.  Changed my mind.  Silent Assassin?  Yes!  No.  Sounds too plain.  Changed my mind again.  The Assassinator?  Yes!  Yes?  Okay, yes!  That sounds cooler!  _

_Wait...cooler?  That's a Human word.  I didn't just say that, did I?!  _

Legolas ran down corridor screaming at the top of his lungs, passing by the wizard who almost got the wind knocked out of him from the sudden outburst that rang in his ears.  Gandalf met the floor face first with a loud 'THUD' with his hat flying off his head and getting trampled on by the stampeding feet of the prince.  He could hear him down the darkened path of outgoing candles that hung on the walls, frantically ranting something along the lines of being 'Human-ized'. 

_Oh my, here we go again.  That's the hundredth time I've lost my hat._

**End of Chapter**

**On to Part II!**


	2. A Great Intrigue

**Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, everyone!  This is my first attempt at writing a humor/parody fic and I'm glad you enjoyed Part I.  And now, on with Part II! :O) **

PS: Some events from LotR were slightly modified per moi and this goes for the rest of the chapters to come as well. ;)

**My Head Hurts**

**Part II:**

**A Great Intrigue **

"Ah, Legolas there you are," said Gandalf, hovering over his form that was spread out in a 'I'm trying to create a snow angel' pose on the floor.

Legolas blinked his eyes and tried to focus on the blurry figure staring down at him.  "Gandalf?" _Wrinkled face, wrinkled robes, wrinkled everything else, oh yes, it had to be the wizard... "What happened?" he rubbed his aching head as he slowly sat up._

"Well, it seems you took quite a nasty fall after running into a closed door," informed the Maia, trying oh so hard to hide his impish grin.  

---------- Gandalf's inner ranting ----------

_Humphf, serves him right for ruining my newly stitched hat.  Now I'll have to borrow more thread from Arwen back in Rivendell.  Do you know how long of a journey that is from Mirkwood, especially without Shadowfax to bring me there?!  Théoden, I tell you, can be so selfish at times.  'I need Shadowfax in order to lead the Rohirrim into a great battle' he said, bah!  And, what did his showing off do?  It got him slain by the Lord of the Nazgûl that's what it did!  During the time I missed second breakfast in the Shire, no less.  Selfish indeed.  I hope Arwen is no longer upset with me after I mistakenly used the loosely hanging thread off her dress to finish my quilt.  My nose has healed quite well, if I should say so myself..._

----------_ End of Gandalf's inner ranting ----------_

"Oh," the prince replied rather embarrassed.  'At least it wasn't as nasty as the fall you took!' he smiled to himself, remembering how he ran over all the soft spots on the wizard's withered body.

Gandalf gave a strange look at the somewhat wicked smile that spread across the princes' face as he cleared his throat in order to get his attention.  "If you are up to par we should continue.  I was informed that the therapist is a very busy, umm...therapist.  After your session, it is Frodo's turn then Sam's.  The poor Hobbits have been scarred for life from all those slash pairings they've encountered," he shook his head.

"With each other?" Legolas asked very curiously.

"Sometimes," Gandalf merely shrugged like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Legolas felt a cold tingle crawl up his spine.  "Well, better two Hobbits than and Elf and a Man," he replied bitterly.  "Honestly, Boromir and I?  He barely gave me the time of day in the books and in the first installment of the movie, he what? Merely said one or two lines to me!  And, half of the time he wasn't even speaking to me directly.  _Stupid Aragorn... _Well, from the 'Fellowship of the Ring', anyway.  And, I even lamented over his corpse...what a waste," then he quietly mumbled, "But I have yet to finish the Special Edition DVD to see if we actually have some more one on one dialogue." 

"What about you and your Dwarf friend Gimli?" questioned the wizard with a hidden grin, as they went through another set of doors that read, 'Minno!'.  

"Bite your tongue old Man!" Legolas gasped with horror like a female trapped inside a male's body.  "I am to Gimli what Frodo is to Sam.  Nothing more!  What do those Human writers call it? Phototropic love? Panasonic love or something or other?  Ah, I can't remember!"

"Platonic love, you mean?" Gandalf answered with tears welling in his eyes from the laughter he was trying hard to suppress.  The energizer bunny quickly appeared in his mind until he realized that it was the wrong commercial he was thinking of.  

"Yes, yes, whatever it's called," he continued to ponder on the idea, unaware of Gandalf's tomato colored face.  "Besides...we tried that once and it didn't work," he said in a slightly detectable pout.

"Oh, really?" the wizard raised an eyebrow as if the information was just hot off the press (that's been sitting on the press table for years now, that is).  "How so? Why didn't it work out for you?"

Legolas crossed his arms in front of his chest and started kicking imaginary rocks with his foot. "Difference of opinion."

"Like what?" Gandalf tried prying more information out of him.  All he needed was that verification of some L-slash-G going-ons and he could sail the Sea (again for the nth time) a happy wizard.  

The others were surely going to get a good laugh once the inquiry was laid to rest and he was blissfully looking forward to the big 'I told you so, now give me my money!' collection festival that would be held (probably in his honor).  Someone was going to end up being a very rich Maia/Man/Hobbit/Elf.  The twins, Elladan and Elrohir, and the other fair folk didn't dare pass up this great intrigue and so joined in the betting pool.  If you knew big shinny gold coins and possibly a magical all-powerful Ring were involved, would you?

The prince pouted some more before answering. "He wanted me to grow a beard and I wanted him to shave his.  I could not stand all that hair!  It got everywhere, and I do mean everywhere," he shook his head like he knew Gandalf knew exactly what he meant.

He just sort of nodded in agreement with a 'some-elf-has-serious-issues' look on his face. 

"On many occasions I have wanted to say, '_Hello, Gimli son of Glóin!'" he rolled his eyes then threw his hands up in the air, "Do you not know the description of my kindred?!  We Elves are the Children of Ilúvatar, the fairest of all earthly creatures in Middle-earth.  We cannot grow dirty, filthy, unkempt beards!  Even if we could, who would want to?  I imagine only the insane.  Food and other such objects clinging onto it like some ornament decoration, ack!" he said in disgust._

Little did Legolas know that the wizard (who _had a beard) was fuming behind him as he took the lead down the corridor, continuing to ramble on about the diseases one beard could carry.  _

"Luckily, we are not subjected to deathly disasters like Mortals for if we were, who would teach the Ents to talk? The Dwarves?  HA!" the prince snickered, slightly turning his head to the side to acknowledge the wizard's presence.  "With their poor grammar and lack of people skills?  I think not," he continued his thoughts aloud.  After a few minutes of speaking his mind he finally regaining his self-composure and calmed down.  

"Gandalf? You have been awfully quiet back there.  As quiet as Pippin was when he misguidedly hid under Galadriel's dress when Celeborn threatened to turn him into a mushroom for eating his lemba casserole.  Oh, how I remember those Hobbits' eyes lighting up like fireworks at the mere mention of mushrooms!" chuckled Legolas.  "I believe Merry was drooling, as well.  Poor little Peregrin Took, how scared he must have been.  But, then again, he looked rather content after Galadriel snatched him by the ear.  Looking a bit flustered, too, if my memory serves me correctly.  Hmm, I wonder why?"

Legolas turned to face the wizard with a smile but was met with a dark and evil stare.  "Is...is something the matter, Gandalf, my dear old friend?  Old buddy, old pal of mine...a'he?" he nervously gulped, trying to remember all the emergency exits of the palace.  The wizard's eyes grew wider as he began to raise his staff.  Before he could utter single word from his spell, someone placed their hand over his mouth.  And, a rather filthy hand at that.

**End of Chapter**

**On to Part III!**


	3. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease

**Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N: This chapter radioactively mutated into: A CIRCUS!  Actually, I have no idea. lol.  Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! :O)**

**My Head Hurts******

**Part III:******

**Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease**

Legolas made another appalled face when he saw who had placed his grimy hands over the wizard's mouth.  

_I think I'm going to be sick...___

Gandalf looked as if he was about to pass out as well until whoever it was removed their hand so he could properly breath again. 

"Never in my long years have I _ever felt such a foul distasting thing remotely close to my mouth!  Well, that is, if you don't count the time when Bilbo's hairy foot almost got caught - I mean, uhh...never mind," he tried shaking the disturbing image away and grimaced at Aragorn when he came near._

"It would be wise to hold off on your conjuring, old wizard.  Didn't you read Part I?  It stated that Legolas is a vital member of the Fellowship.  _Why, is still beyond me...  Just because he has much keener eyes and ears doesn't make the rest of us blind and hard of hearing, you know." _

"Yes, that's true," agreed Gandalf.

"Sorry, what? I didn't quite hear what you said, mind repeating that again?" he replied with a confused look on his face.  More confused than Pippin when asked the trick question, "Howlong is a Hobbit's name," by Gimli.  The poor Took spent countless of hours trying to measure his name, Frodo's name, Sam's name, and Merry's name with a twig while the Dwarf rolled on the ground with laughter. 

When Pippin finally got the joke, Sam hesitatingly asked, "So...how long is it?" sending the son of Glóin into more fits of giggles.

"Anyways, _ahem, back to me," Aragorn rolled his eyes at the author [author: "Sorry!"] then continued, "So, as I was saying, save the really good spells for later.  I might need you to teach me an incantation or two.  It looks as if Legolas is itching to write another threatening letter."_

"And what makes you say this?" asked Gandalf.

Aragorn rolled his eyes again (but this time at the wizard), "Well, if you were looking in the same direction as me, then maybe you would see him.  Derrr!" he pointed to where the Elf was sitting.  

"Oh," Gandalf stupidly laughed then said, "Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out ruling Gondor or rolling in the dirt somewhere?"

"Nah, Gondor will be fine.  I taped a sign on my throne that said: 'OUT TO LUNCH, BE BACK IN 5.'  And, well, the snow had made muck out of the dirt.  All the protein has been stripped away so there's no point in it now, really.  Besides, this journey of yours should be a lot more interesting so I thought I'd tag along."

"This is not a journey, Elessar. We are merely trying to get to the therapist for Legolas' session.  That is it."

"Well, at the rate you two are going, it will probably take you months, even years, to reach your destination thus turning this into a journey!" 

"Hmm, yes, good point," he agreed again then turned to face Legolas.

He was hunched over in the corner hiding in the shadows with parchment paper and a quill in his hand trying to scribble down Aragorn's name.  

_Those Humans and their careless spelling with our names...dyslexic the lot of 'em! *shakes head in disappointment* _Now___, how did he spell his name again? Arrogant? Aracorn? Acorn? Arathorn?  No wait. That was his father... *scratches out name* __Ahh! It's so hard without spell check here in Middle-earth.  I really should see Eru about this. ___

Legolas was also covering the paper much too secretly well for them to see, like the nerd in math class that everyone hovered over to copy their tests from.  "Well, it could also be an apology letter, you know," guessed Gandalf.  "Maybe he's trying to perfect it before it is read?" 

"Apology letter my open-toed boot!" Aragorn mockingly laughed.  "Look down." 

The wizard did as he was told and looked down.  He gave the Ranger a strange look for one of his toes was actually visible from his boot, wiggling happily in the open air.  The Maia swore it was saying, 'Ahhh, freedom at last!' 

_I think I'm going to be sick... _

"No, not down there.  Down _there!" he pointed again at Legolas.  The prince had also scribbled 'Dy Arrogant! Di Aracorn! Die Arathorn!' then 'Die Arathorn. No. You're already dead', on the wall._

"Oh, well, at least he was able to finally spell the word 'die' correctly...without spell check." 

"Well, I suppose you're right," Aragorn nodded then placed his hand on his chin with Gandalf following in pursuit.

"Ya."

"Yaa." 

"Yaaa." 

"Yaaaa."

"Yaaaaa."

"Will YA shaddup already?!" Legolas yelled in frustration as he finally got off the floor. "This is not an Austin Powers story, man!" he reminded them. "I can't concentrate.  I'll finish this later," he said as he stuffed the paper and quill back in his inner tunic.

"Yeah, baby!" someone couldn't help but pipe.

Legolas looked up and glared at them both.  They pretended that neither one of them said anything and whistled it off.  "You two start moving. Now," he pointed down another, yup, you guessed it, corridor. "If we're lucky we'll get there before dusk."  

_I hooope!  ___

_I can feel it in my bones that another author is plotting to create a new story in which I father her Human children in secrecy and flee into some poorly made up 'Elven realm' called Legolaswuvsme Woods where we live happawie ever after. _

_AHHH! Even worse, what if...what if she starts referring to me as her 'baby-daddy' to her friends?!  _

_Nooooooo!  _

_The horror!_

_Alright, that's it... ___

_Now, I'm really going to be sick...___

"Are you alright, Legolas?" asked the Ranger.

"Wha? Oh, yes...I'll...I'll be fine," he gulped the sensation down to the pit of his stomach.

"You sure?  You don't look so well.  I mean, with your right eye twitching and all."

"Yup.  Just great," his eye twitched again.  "No worries.  Let's continue."

Aragorn just shrugged his shoulders after giving the Elf his 'someone's-turned-into-a-nutcase' look, leaving him behind them, as they were a few paces ahead.  

He leaned in a little closer to Gandalf so Legolas wouldn't be able to hear their conversation (or least he hoped he wouldn't hear) and whispered, "I don't know about you but sometimes I think that if we had minimized the Fellowship into just, let's say, us - me, you, and Boromir we could have reached Mordor ourselves a _looong time ago.  Well, maybe not Boromir.  He doesn't have that big of a fan base among __them as Legolas__.  Neither do you.  Wait.  What's his name again?  Gimli son of Groin?  Whatever.  You can rule him out, too.  Alright, then, since I am the closest in the 'hunk' department next to the Elf, I - alone - could have taken the One Ring there and destroyed it."_

Gandalf's staff was starting to slightly shake.  

"Boromir was suppose to be dead, anyway, so, what was that phrase that Humans often used?" he thought for a moment then smiled, "Oh, yes!  Sucks to be him!  You, also, Maia, you came back as Gandalf the White but judging from the lack of proper hygiene, there wasn't really any point in you changing your robes since they still look awfully black.  Not dirty white black but just black.  Really black. Like _black!"  _

"Speak for yourself, you grease infested son of a..." muttered the wizard.  His staff began to shake again.

"I mean, with all these lust-overdosed Human girls lurking around in their secret boot camp preparing to attack, you'd think those two vertically challenged Halflings would think of running in the direction of the Black Land.  But, _nooo... they just had to run around in circles panicking like they were only going to be fed three meals a day!"  _

"Hmm...yes..."

"And, honestly, if you ask me, barely being the same storyline with my lovely Arwen, I wouldn't really mind the skirt-wearing-eyes-fluttering-all-talented-all-perfect-in-every-way-shape-and-form Mary -- "

_POW! BANG! CRASH! BOOM! and THUD!_

Aragorn flew across the corridor with a nice crisp landing against the wall due to someone's brittle, but yet, powerful staff.

"What? What! What'd I say?! What'd I say?!"

"Thank you! Finally!" he rolled his eyes with relief.

"You're welcome," he happily beamed.  "Here you go, Gandalf," Legolas handed him back his staff.  

With his stealthy movements, the prince lunged for the wizard's staff and finally used it to his advantage.  He didn't necessarily mind his ranting so much, just mostly wanted to see how far he could toss the Ranger.  And, since of course he could hear what he was saying (he's an Elf, what did you expect?), he could use Aragorn's mentioning of 'wouldn't really mind' and 'Mary --' in the same sentence as his defense for attacking, thinking he was possessed by a great evil that forced him to say such things.   

"And, I was also reading along, too!" he grinned widely at the readers.  "Sorry about that, Aragorn.  You know, reflexes and all," he flashed him an innocent smile then snickered with the wizard after turning his back. 

"Are you two finished giggling like a bunch Human school girls at a slumber party or are you actually going to help me up?" he huffed.

They looked at him then back at each other again and fell into a quick debate on who should be the one to help him or whether or not they actually _should help him._

"Anytime this Age, even though I don't know what Age this story is taking place in, would really help!" he threw his hands in the air.

"Oh, alright, fine," Legolas pouted after losing at 'paper, rock, scissors'.  "I'll help you.  Just stop whining like Sam when Frodo told him he could no longer watch him bathe in the river," he extended his hand and helped him to his feet.  Once the Ranger was up and standing again he brushed the dust off of his clothes.

Legolas looked him up and down with an eyebrow raised, wondering why he even bothered seeing how dust and dirt already clung to him like a second skin.  The facial hair, too.  Gross.  Another filthy beard.  By the looks of it, Aragorn didn't seem to need Narsil as his weapon against the enemy.  All he had to do was scrape his face against his opponent.  That would surely leave a mark greater than any sharp metal object.

_Ouch..._

The Elven-prince now took the rear end of the three walkers headed towards the therapist's study (if they could ever find it).  Something else kept bothering him and he couldn't quite place where that sticky feeling he had was.  He was about to throw his hair back over his shoulder when he suddenly saw his hand glistening in the reflection of the candle's light.  Examining it closer, his face changed from its normal fair color to the colors of the rainbow then to the colors you normally wouldn't find in a Crayola box.

It was dirt, oil, and grease meshed into one, producing a new un-Middle-earthly substance.  Wondering what he could have touched, he saw Aragorn run his fingers through his hair.  Then he passed out.

**End of Chapter**

By the way, I swear I've heard/read the word '_Legolaswuvsme' somewhere before and probably subconsciously remembered it and made it my own.  Hee-hee.  If someone else has claim on this word, then it's all yours! Credit to (your name here) ____________.  Thanks!_

**On to Part IV!**  


	4. The Challenge

**Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates.  Finals and such have kept me very busy.  Thank you again for the great reviews. :O)  And, here we gooooo! **

**My Head Hurts******

**Part IV:  **

**The Challenge**

"I think he's starting to come to," Legolas heard a voice. Little arrows were still spinning around his head making it hard for him to decipher which repulsive Man was talking.  

"Legolas, snap out of it!" Aragorn slapped him the face. The prince bolt up in a sitting position screaming at the horrible sensation he felt.  Not from the sissy slap but from the smutty hand that just made another contact with his skin.

"I'm up! I'm up! Just don't touch me again!" he replied frantically.  He motioned for Gandalf to stop when he offered to help him up and said that he could do it on his own.  

"Very well then, just hurry up, Legolas.  We must keep moving," said the Maia.

"Yes, by nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs," squeezed in Aragorn.  Both of them glanced him a strange look for his comment.  "Sorry, I couldn't help it.  I was watching the first installment yesterday," he blushed.

"Umm...yes, well, as I was saying..." Gandalf motioned with his hand to the Elf that the King had probably taken a swig of ale before coming to Mirkwood, "We don't want to hold the therapist from her other appointments."

The prince nodded and proceeded to get up.  When they weren't looking, he wiped his cheek that Aragorn touched against the wall.  _Ah, much better...  "So, in which direction are we heading towards now?" he asked._

"I believe we should turn east," answered Aragorn.  "Come, let us go," he patted the prince on the shoulder.  Gandalf agreed and began to walk beside him.  Legolas stopped at stared at his shoulder and made a face before he followed.  He wiped the handprint off his tunic and tried to find another place to smear it on.  _Yuck... _

A sudden mischievous grin formed on his lips as he caught up to his other companions.  "So, Gandalf, are you sure this is a wise decision?" he vigorously massaged the wizard's arm with his hand.  _Hee...hee...hee..._

Gandalf gave an uneasy smile at what he was doing but decided to ignore it. "Well, yes.  Aragorn is a skilled Ranger.  We should trust his instincts.  Besides, there are no more doors with the word, 'Minno!' ingraved on them.  It only seemed that every time we went through one, we ended up getting more lost," he replied.

"What?!" Legolas jaw dropped.  He looked around and sure enough the previous doors that they had passed had no markings on them.  They were still exquisitely carved in Elven fashion but still plain without any decorations. "Gandalf, do you even know what 'Minno' in Sindarin means?" 

"Umm...'Do Not Enter or Be Lost Forever'?" he guessed.

"No, you old geezer, it means 'Enter!' meaning that all those doors actually led to place in the palace.  The doors without them lead to other doors that are mostly used as closet space to store things that we no longer use," Legolas told him.  

Aragorn, thinking that they were still behind him kept venting about how Arwen sometimes had a bad case of the snoring bug as he went to open another door.  "Arwen, let me tell you, she could wake the spirits alive in Mandos with her manly snor - "

_CRASH! TOPPLE! WACK!___

"See, I told you," the prince pointed to a now buried Ranger.  The only thing you could see was one leg and one arm, flailing for help, along with two other arms and two different hairy feet.  "Wait. Hairy feet?"

"Get off me! I cannot breath as it is!" said one of them.

"You're the one on top, idiot! Tell your big toe to stop tickling my ear!" replied the other.

Gandalf lifted one foot each and shook his head at what he saw.  "Hello there young Hobbits," he smirked.

"Hello, Gandalf," Merry said with a big smile.  He looked at Pippin who was busy nibbling on a mushroom and elbowed him.

"What? Oh! Hello there, Gandalf!" he smiled with mushroom stuck between his teeth.

"Pippin! Merry! What are you two doing here?" asked Legolas.  

"We came with him for a bit of adventure," Merry pointed to Aragorn who was still underneath the pile of useless junk.

"Yes, when we got here we decided to play hide-and-go-seek with him, but he's not very good at it," whispered Pippin.  "We knew he was a beginner so we hid in really easy places and every time he said, 'Hobbits where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are' and we did, he would roll his eyes at us and bang his head against the wall."  

"Strange," nodded Merry.

"Yes, very strange," agreed Pippin.

"Umm...I don't think you were actually suppose to come out of hiding when he said that," Gandalf spoke.  "I think his purpose was to scare you to keep you in hiding so he could better look for you."

"Scared?  I wasn't scared.  Were you scared, Pip?"

"Nope.  Not with his girly voice.  I can see why Arwen wears the trousers in the family," the Hobbit covered his mouth with his hands and giggled.  "Speaking of Strider, I think he's dead.  I can't hear him struggling for air anymore."

"Oops!" Gandalf dropped both Hobbits on the floor and tried to unbury the Ranger.  

"It's about #@!$& time!" he breathed.

"Such a potty mouth," Pippin shook his head in disapproval while resting on Merry who got dropped on top of him, continuing to nibble on his mushroom.

"Yes, a potty mouth," Merry agreed with his chin prompt on his elbows under Pippin.

"You two!" Aragorn glared at them.  The Hobbits scrambled to their feet and hid behind Legolas.  "That is the last time I play anything with you two!"

"Oh, come now, Aragorn, it couldn't have been that bad.  Could it?" grinned the Elf.

"Couldn't have been that bad? Couldn't have been that bad!  Let's see how well you do the next time you have two Halflings running under you and around you kicking you in the shin because you didn't know how to play their stupid game correctly!" he glared at them again. 

"Don't forget tripping you over Merry," smiled Pippin.

"Oh, yes, that was a brilliant idea, Pip," Merry smiled in return.

"Why, I aught a -"

"Come down, Elessar. We still have a long ways to go.  Because of you, we'll have to retrace our steps," sighed the wizard.  _You'd think being able to speak the language; he'd also be able to read it!  Illiterate fool... "Let us proceed."  The two Men continued ahead while the Hobbits stayed behind with Legolas.  _

Merry and Pippin quickly got bored so they started jumping up and down trying to pull on the princes' silky hair and decided that whoever had the most strands by the end of the journey would be the winner.  Legolas couldn't stand the thought of being half bald when they finally reached their destination so he threatened to swing them as a pair of clubs against the fangirls. 

That made them behave...for a while.

"Hey, Gandalf, do you know what I saw when I was buried under all of that mess?" whispered Aragorn to the wizard.

"No, what?"

"I swear I saw one of Gimli's old battle axes lying in that pile. Care to tell me what a Dwarf axe is doing hiding in an Elven palace?" he asked curiously.

Gandalf smirked and glanced behind to see if Legolas might be listening in.  The prince was too busy trying to shake the Hobbits off his sleeves who were using them as swinging devices to notice anything else but that.

"Well, it seems that the prince and the Dwarf did spend some alone time, if you know what I mean," he winked.   

"No!" he gasped.

"Oh, yes.  Well, he didn't quite spill the entire story out but just enough to satisfy the curious minds of certain races that we may know of," nodded Gandalf.

"So, he didn't confess the entire thing to you then?"

"Well, no...but, I was close," he said.

"Close doesn't cut it, old wizard.  Either he did, or he didn't," answered Aragorn.

"Fine, no, he didn't. So what?"

"So, what? That gives me the chance to get it out of him myself!" he smiled.  "Big shinny coins, here I come!"

"HA! Good luck! You can't even talk to the Elf-prince directly for five minutes without him wanting to vomit at the mere sight of you."   

"I'll worry about that and the eye twitching later.  What you have to worry about is being beaten out of your riches!" he laughed evilly.

"We'll see about that," mumbled Gandalf. "We wizards have our ways."

"_If_ you win the bet among the races of Middle-earth, which you won't, maybe you could finally afford a decent tailor," he laughed again.  

Gandalf looked at his hat and saw that the hole had gotten bigger. "Drats!" _Stupid Elf... "Yes, and perhaps if _you_ win, you could finally afford a decent bath in that grimy castle of yours!" he shot back._

"A decent bath? HA! I'm surprised you even know what the word means.  And, my palace isn't grimy.  It's just a bit...umm...untidy with cobwebs.  That's all.  Besides, when _I win, I'm buying myself a new bed clear across the palace grounds so I can finally get a good night's rest," he smiled blissfully to himself.  __Arwen, dear, I love you, but sleeping next to your constant snoring is like sleeping next to a cave troll. _

"Yes, a decent bath.  Not one with dirt mixed into it, but one with pure water and soap!"

"I...I know that," the Ranger nervously rubbed his hands together.  "I've seen Arwen do it plenty of times.  I'll have you know that I am King Elessar of Gondor and insinuating that I do not know of such rituals is offensive and - oomphf!" he was pushed into the wall by two Little People laughing and one Elf-prince charging at them like a Balrog who's fire was extinguished.

'Serves you right!  Your smell is offensive,' smirked Gandalf, 'And so, the journey now continues in the right direction...I think?'   

**End of Chapter**

I didn't think it was as good as the other chapters.  I kinda wrote it in a hurry.  But, I hope you liked it just the same.  Please review!

**On to Part V!**


	5. Too Good to be True

**Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N:  **Thank you for the reviews! :O)

**My Head Hurts**

**Part V:**

**Too Good to be True**

"Lemme at them!  Lemme at them!" Legolas growled against Gandalf's restraining arms.  "Just one good strangle is all I need!"

"Pull yourself together, Legolas!" he firmly shook him.  "This is not the time to be fooling around."

"Oh, eat your beard old Man!" snapped the prince.  "Hey, what's that?" he looked out the window.  "Is that Shadowfax grazing outside?"

Gandalf turned to look.  "Where?"

_Ha, ha!  Sucker!_

As soon as Legolas caught the wizard off guard, he darted passed him, aiming his sights on the still giggling and now scurrying Hobbits who were trying not to trip over each other's hairy feet in the mad dash.  The whole 'catch me if you can' ordeal with the Elf was beginning to be so much fun that the two started running down the corridor with their arms outstretched to their sides making airplane noises, pretending to do 180-degree turns while saying, "Eagle One, this is Eagle Two, do you copy?"  *static noise*

"Roger." *static noise*

"I have a Blonde, slightly metal, bogie on my tail and I can't shake him off, requesting back up!  Roger."  *static noise*

"Back up is on the way!  Roger."  *static noise*

"When do we eat?  Roger."  *static noise*

The Istari looked to the Gods and silently shook his head with a heavy sigh.  _Why me..._

"You Halflings better keep running!" yelled Legolas.  Merry had asked if the prince could pick up his shiny marble on the floor that he dropped and when he obliged to get it, Pippin snuck up behind him and gave him a weggie.  The Elf was still sore and angry, pulling down his inner 'garment' and rubbing his bottom.

Pippin's nose suddenly perked up sending Merry crashing against the Hobbit as he abruptly stopped in his tracks.  "Oomphf!" Legolas crashed behind the other, almost toppling over their tiny figures.  "What's wrong with him?" he looked strangely at the Took.

Merry furrowed his eyebrows at his partner in crime.  "Hmm...wait.  Wait a minute.  I think he's picking up something," he examined him closer.  

Pippin looked petrified in place with eyes wide and his mouth somewhat drooling and trembling. "I...I...I sm-smell..."

"FOOD!" Merry exclaimed.  Like a slap in the face, Pippin was freed from his daze and was soon chasing after the Brandybuck in the direction of the aroma.  The other three looked at each other in bewilderment and quickly followed the two who were sniffing the air like dogs. 

Legolas' keen senses also picked up the scent and grinned, knowing what exactly caught the Halfling's interest.  "The Hobbits have found the palace bakery," he said.

"Good.  We should eat something before we continue onward," grumbled Aragorn's stomach.

"Yes, I agree," nodded Gandalf.

Merry and Pippin burst through the double doors that held their stomach's insatiable desires without waiting for the others.  Legolas walked in after them and was shocked to see a certain someone with a pink apron around his waist happily humming, "On top of old Mis-ty Moun-tain...all covered with cheeeeese..."

"Ahem," interrupted Gandalf.  He and Aragorn looked equally stumped at the Man before them.

"Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't notice you all standing there.  I was just doing the finishing touches on my pastries," he said, licking the whip cream off his fingers.  "There, all done!"

"That's smells awfully yummy, Boromir," Pippin inhaled the drool that started to form again around the corners of his mouth.

"Yes, awfully yummy," gulped Merry.

"Me first!" a large body dove for the tray in the Dúnadan's hands.  Before his grubby fingers could get a hold of anything, however, Boromir gracefully stepped to the side, predicting that something like this would happen.  

He shook his head at the eager being lying upside-down against the wall.  "Now, now, Gandalf.  We must wait for the cream stuffed filling to settle in properly or else it just won't taste right.  You of all people should know that," he disapprovingly motioned with his finger. 

"But...they're my favorite," the wizard quietly pouted as he walked back to stand beside his companions.

"Boromir, shouldn't you be...umm...dead from defending the Hobbits during the battle at Amon Hen?  I mean, you _were slain by an Orc and had your rotting corpse thrown down the Anduin," stated Aragorn._

The son of Dethenor II rolled his eyes at the King and stared out the bakery window.  "Yes, in the first book, but those evil sugar-high authors who have the writing and imagination skills of a pea just cannot make up their minds.  Yes, some write, 'Boromir gets slain' and I quietly rest in peace, but then somewhere in the story line you find me being resurrected from the dead to avenge myself/himself/herself/themselves and whomever else you want to add to the list.  Half of the stories aren't even labeled AU.  It's quite a migraine and half of the time I'm portrayed as this lunatic madman who does nothing but want the Ring of Power.  Sure, I love a good scruffy fight and yes, I can be overly proud at times, but deep down inside, I'm not such a bad Man," he pretended to wipe a tear from his eye for effect.  "I like to bake and cook and take long walks on the beach just like everyone else, you know.  Sometimes I wish I could just change my appearance or be reincarnated into a tree in the background letting my branches swing at an unsuspecting passerby.  At least the perennial plants get treated well and are mentioned in most of the stories on FF.Net.  It could turn out to be one cameo after another," he smiled to himself. 

"Yes, that is, if no one decides to light you on fire," snickered Merry.  Pippin tried to giggle but instead almost choked on the carrot cake he was eating.  

Boromir heard the coughing sounds and turned around to see if anyone was in fact listening to his rambling story and found that no one really cared.  They were all too busy stuffing their faces behind his back.  He placed his hands on his hips and glared at the five.

"Wha? Whaddaweedoo?" were their response.  Everyone had pastries, cakes, and cookie crumbs smeared on them as they looked up towards him with innocent looks on their faces.

"So..." Aragorn wiped the white powder from a donut from his mouth with his backhand, "Why are you here in Mirkwood if you're pursuing to be a tree?" he asked.

"As I said before, author's can become very indecisive.  I am recently stuck in another story that deals with some 'Super Woman' who defeated our guards like domino pieces with one hand, claiming to be betrothed to one of my father's sons," answered Boromir.

"So, what is the problem?  Your father can't remember who he married off last time?" asked Legolas, who was happily rubbing his bloated (but still 'evlishly' slim) belly.  _She would probably eat you up and spit you out alive...hee...hee...  _

"Well, yes, that is a problem, but that can be quickly solved by the stick marks carved on the wall to see whose turn it is.  The real problem that is holding up the story and mind you - this is _only the second chapter - is that the author can't decided whether to wear her OC's hair up in a very intricate 'I-can-braid-it-to-look-like-Middle-earth-on-my-head' type of pattern or down letting her locks 'flow-gracefully-in-the-cool-gentle-breeze' that just so happens to come out of nowhere every time she walks into a room."_

"So how many weeks now has this Female been stuck with this crucial dilemma?" scoffed the Elf.

"Weeks? You mean months?!" he answered.  "We're hoping this to be the lucky month.  Chapter one had left the OC locked in her bedchamber, refurnished all by herself, until she can surpass her own reflection, I suppose.  We had already eaten everything in Gondor waiting for her at the feast held in her 'honor', so Faramir and I decided to take a break from the break and visit old friends.  My younger brother also barricaded her door and windows with steel plates so I may be here for a while until Lady 'You-may-call-me-multi-tasking-Barbie' decides what to do with her mop."

"There goes another unfinished 'Boring-me' story," Aragorn quietly laughed to Gandalf.

"Hey, I heard that!" he replied.

"Heard what?" the Ranger gave him a confused look.  

"Humph, like you should be the one to talk.  Don't act as if I'm the only one with stories that have been completely forgotten or subjected to once a month updates.  By the way, how's that one story you're in coming along?  What was the title? 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Aragorn' was it?" he grinned.

The Ranger pouted his lips.  "I don't know.  The author decided to postpone the story because I kept ripping my leggings every time she made me do the splits," he answered bitterly.  "And she kept saying, 'Tumbe, tumbe!'  Tumbe? What the hell is a tumbe?"

Everyone held their hands over their mouths to keep from laughing out loud.  They remembered how frustrated he was when he found out that the author supposedly couldn't find any ballet shoes to go with his eyes.

If it wasn't a bad fiction that Legolas hated, it was the lack of updates.  The long pauses in between great battles or intrigues made him want to shoot an arrow through his head.  Days were fine, but weeks and months of not knowing what was going to happen in the story was torture and...boring.  He'd sit there either eating his hair or twisting it with his finger until the writer remembered, 'Oh that's right, I wrote a story!'.  Many of the Orcs and other extra creatures as well who were foreign to Middle-earth spent most of their days playing 'Go Fish' or sunbathing to keep themselves occupied.  

"I'm ready whenever you are everyone," Gandalf said while picking his teeth with a toothpick.

"I'm ready," burped Pippin.

"Yes, me too," the rest echoed.

"Come, Boromir, we could use you on this little adventure to cook our meals for us," said the wizard.  With the Dúnadan in agreement, they left the palace bakery.  Legolas made sure to stay away from the Hobbits this time.  Luckily, they were busy talking about their favorite kind of mushroom dishes with Boromir, hoping that he would honor their requests.

Boromir just nodded at the two pretending to be listening when the whole time he was actually looking at King and how dirty he had gotten since the last time they saw each other (not that he wasn't that clean when they parted).  He remembered seeing something useful in one of the doors that they had passed by but didn't go through and smiled at an idea he thought of.

"Aragorn, my brother of Gondor, may I see you a moment?  There's something I'd like to show you," he said.

"Alright," he agreed.  Boromir smiled and placed an arm over his shoulder and led him into the door.  Once inside, he locked it behind them and tackled Aragorn the dark.

The rest of the company stopped when they heard struggling noises inside the room.  Gandalf tried opening the door but it was locked so he placed his ear against it instead.  He couldn't hear much expect for a bunch of muffled words from the Men and something splashing on the floor.  An hour later the door opened.  Boromir unrolled his sleeves and wiped the sweat from his forehead.  

"What happened in there?" asked the Elf.

"Something that I should have done a long time ago," he replied.

Merry and Pippin looked at each other and started giggling. 

"No, you Halflings!  Get your dirty minds out of the Farmer Maggot's crops," he shot them a look.  "Alright, Aragorn, you can come out now," Boromir turned to the door.

Everyone gasped at what they saw.

The King was clean!  From head to toe the dirt had vanished and was replaced by the magnificent shine of his hair and boots.  Legolas looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  "Yes, I suppose he looks clean enough.  Maybe even elvishly clean...well almost, but not quite."  _I'm still groomed better than he is..._

"Wow, Strider, you look fantastic," said Merry.

"Yes, much better," agreed Pippin. 

"You did an excellent job, Boromir," smiled Gandalf.

"Thank you."

"I feel so...so...spiffy!" beamed Aragorn.

"Spiffy?" Legolas gave him a strange look.  Everyone could tell the Elf was slightly jealous because his reign in the cleanliness department could be at stake.  He would try and look at himself in his mirror whenever he thought they weren't looking.

"Alright, enough about how clean Aragorn is.  It probably won't last that long in this story, anyway, so let's us resume our course," motioned Gandalf.  They all looked at each other again and paused.  

Then nodded in agreement and followed the wizard.

"Hey, Gandalf, since you said that Aragorn probably won't stay that clean for long, can I dirty him up now?" asked Legolas.

"Why?"  

"Well, look at him.  I don't think he'll be able to handle it for long," he said.  Aragorn kept looking at his hands, unable to believe that his hands were actually only one color.  He even went as far as licking them for further examination.

"So, can I congratulate him on how 'spiffy' he looks then throw him out the window in the bushes or something?"

"No, you may only give him a nice complement.  That is it," said the wizard.

"I can't do both?" asked the prince innocently.

"No, you may not!" snapped the old Man.  "He'll eventually find a way to get dirty all by himself, so just leave the King alone, Legolas."  

"Fine," he pouted.  _Party pooper..._

**End of Chapter**

**On to Part VI!**


	6. Prepare Yourselves

**Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N:  Sorry for the lack of updates...**

**My Head Hurts**

**Part VI:**

**Prepare Yourselves**

"I look mighty spiffy," Aragorn giggled to himself.  "Look!  Look!" 

For the past hour all they could hear was how amazingly clean his hands were.  They just kind of groaned their response then glared at Boromir.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"This all your fault," Merry kicked him in the shin.

"Yeah, all your fault," Pippin kicked the other.  Boromir fell to the floor trying to nurse his bruises.  "If it weren't for your miracle bath, Strider would be explaining the difference between good dirt and bad dirt right about now, instead of acting like being clean was some sort of new Middle-earth trend."  

"Mmm…I agree," said Gandalf.  "I never knew the many different ways one could use dirt…quite educational, really."

"Yes, very useful," Legolas added without realizing what he had just said.

"Useful?  How?" asked Boromir, still rubbing his bruises.

The prince blushed.  "Umm...well...he taught me how to use it as a facial mask."

"Puwahahaha!" the Hobbits let out.  

When the evil look in Legolas' eyes returned, they immediately quieted.  "Being an Elf isn't as easy as it looks, you know!" snapped the prince.  "Well, alright, it is...but it never hurts to look your best.  In my many years my skin's never felt this soft," he stated.

"Yup, and that's _a lot of years you've got there," Merry said from under his vest to keep from laughing out again while Pippin bit his bottom lip.  _

He was about to thwap the Brandybuck on the head until Aragorn came by and caressed his cheeks.  "Ooooh, yes, soft.  Soft and...spiffy!" he pinched them.

"Get...this...Ranger off of me," he calmly responded.  

Gandalf and Boromir had to pry his hands off Legolas' cheeks by pulling him away.  The King had a pretty good hold and was soon dragging the Elf with him via his face.  The Hobbits doubled over the floor with laughter.

"Wait! Wait! I'm not done," protested Aragorn.

"I do believe the King has gone mad," Gandalf said to Boromir.  

"Probably too much water in the brain," replied the Dúnadan.

"Aragorn, if you do not release the princes' cheeks this instance, I will tell Arwen how you purposely keep tripping Eldarion into the dirt," warned the wizard.

The Ranger cringed at his words.  He knew he would feel the wrath of his wife if she found out that their son wasn't naturally clumsy in the outdoors.  "Oh, fine...Mithrandir," he finally let go.  He quietly smirked to himself when he saw the Maia wince. "I merely do that to get the boy familiar with his roots, I mean...the root's of nature. That's all."

Legolas gritted his teeth at the sore tingling feeling that remained on his skin.  Two finger marks soon became red imprints covering each side of his face.  

"Legolas, you're not upset with me are you?  Your cheeks are just so soft and - "

The prince held his hand up to silence him.  He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.  Without another word, he hunched himself near a darkened corner and began to write again.  He'd glance over his shoulder every now and then and glare at the Ranger then continue with what he was doing.

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Here we go again.  We will be here for a while.  Hobbits, do you have your pots and pans?"

"Yes," they answered.

"Good.  Boromir, do you have our food supplies?"

"Yes, Gandalf."

"Good.  Let us eat then," he sat himself down.  The rest followed in pursuit and relaxed.  While everyone was enjoying the food that Boromir prepared, he leaned in towards the wizard.

"Gandalf, my friend, what are we to do with his Spiffyness?  He looks to be getting worse," he said.

"Worse?  How?" replied the old Man in between bites.

"Look at him.  He is trying to eat his food with only his teeth so he doesn't dirty his hands."  Aragorn had his hands behind his back looking like he was bobbing for apples every time he tried to get a bite off his plate.   

"Well, I believe that the only remedy for his annoying behavior is to put him back to his normal unkempt state.  And, since you were the one who washed and bathed him in the first place, it will be your duty to undo your creation," he responded.

Boromir nodded his head and sat silent.  He had to figure out a plan to snap the King back to his normal self again.  _Maybe I can ask the wizard to rub his robes against him for a while?  The dirt on there should be enough for two, I think… Wait a minute...isn't he suppose to be Gandalf the White?  Not Gandalf the Fifthly Robed Guy? Hmm..._

While Boromir pondered, Pippin slowly savored the delicious mushroom stew he asked him to make.  When he was done, he happily burped and sank down on the floor with only his head against the wall by Legolas.  Out of the six, the prince was the only one that did not eat.  He was still busy writing.  The Hobbit glanced his way and suddenly furrowed his eyebrows.

"Hey, Legolas, what's that on your belt?" he asked.

"What's what?" he questioned.  

Pippin slowly crawled behind him to get a better look at the object faintly shining from the candle's light.  "It's a piece of...string?" he looked closer.

Merry came by and examined it as well.  "Yup, it's a string."

Legolas put his writing materials away and stood up.  "What's a string doing tied behind the back of my tunic belt?" he glared at the Hobbits.  He was sure to bash them against each other this time if it was another one of their pranks.

"No, it wasn't us. Honest!" swore Pippin.  "Wouldn't do a thing like that on a full stomach.  Might get a cramp if we started running now."

"Those hurt," nodded the Brandybuck.  "Hey, let's see where it leads to!"  

Pippin jumped with excitement, vigorously shaking his head.  "Yes, let's!"

"No, wait.  Do not do that," instructed Gandalf.  He looked around the corridor for a strange feeling was brewing in his veins.  Everything around them suddenly became quiet.

"I feel it too, old Man," Legolas listened carefully to his surroundings.  The rest of the group stood on their feet and became alert.  The Hobbits wrapped themselves around Aragorn's leg.  "Something in the air doesn't feel right..."

"Aragorn, Boromir, when I give you the signal, pull hard on that string.  Understand?" whispered Gandalf.  The two Men nodded and took hold of the string tied to the prince's belt.  Legolas had his back turned from them so he couldn't see anything that was happening.

"Now!" 

Once the command was heard, the two pulled the string with all of their might.  The Middle-earth inhabitants stood in shock at the sight before them.

Legolas made his way to the front of everyone to see what the commotion was all about.  "So, what was on the other end...eep!" he gasped for air.  "They're...they're..." was all he could get out.  He started wheezing as panic struck throughout his body.

From down the corridor a dozen or so fangirls came crashing through a door, landing on top of each other, holding on to the other end of the string.  They had secretly planted it on him (earlier that day) like a trail of breadcrumbs so they could trace his whereabouts around the palace.

"I told you we should have waited to wear our good heels.  These floors are way slippery," a voice said under the pile.

"I know.  Like, I didn't spend fifty bucks at the Gene Juarez Salon to have it ruined before my stud muffin could see it," another replied.

"Oh, whatever!  You got it done at the Academy down on Stewart Street.  Don't lie cause I totally saw you there," a blonde-haired fangirl rolled her eyes.  

"Like, OMG!  Look everyone!" someone pointed with a 'L' and 'G' painted on her face in green and brown.  Everyone in the Fellowship (save the last three) started inching away slowly.  If Legolas became desperate enough he would throw himself out the window and if he survived the fall, drown himself in the Enchanted River.

The fangirls took out their pink autograph books with matching fluffy tipped pens and 'I love you, Legs! Have my baby!' signs.  Some also took out their vanity mirrors and checked to see if their makeup and teeth were in order while the others slipped on their second pair of high-heeled shoes. 

The prince and company started choking from hairspray and perfumes that quickly filled the air.  After the fangirls finished making their flammable Elven hairstyles and layering their faces with makeup, along with their Sally's press on nails secured on their fingers, they were ready.  Ready to...attack.

All together they cleared their throats then started screaming at the top of their lungs.  "Legolas!" they ran towards him.  The high-pitched voices could be heard all over Middle-earth and it rang so horridly that even the residence of Valinor could hear them.

"Pretty bird!" Manwë, the lord of the Valar, snorted from his slumber.  "Wha?  Wha...what was that noise?" he was sleeping peacefully in his bed located in Ilmarin in the Blessed Realm until he was rudely awakened.

"Go back to sleep, dear," spoke Varda, his wife.  "The noise you heard came from Middle-earth.  Fangirls from an uncharted world have merely found Thranduil's son, Legolas."

"Again?" the King of Arda shook his head.  "Maybe I should send a gustily wind to blow them away like insects in aid to the prince?  Or send my feathered friends to pick at their hair?"

"You have already tried that before, dear, remember?" she replied.  "The birds got hair poisoning from those foul products they used."

"Oh, yes, now I remember.  They couldn't open their beaks for a month.  How sad.  Maybe _you_ could help the prince, my love?  The Elves often call for you in desperate times, do they not, Elbereth?"

"Elbereth needs her beauty sleep and if Súlimo does not leave her alone to rest, she shall be forced to blind him with her light," she warned.

Manwë responded back with snores...

**End of Chapter**

**On to Part VII!**


	7. Enter the Sues

**Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**My Head Hurts**

**Part VII:**

**Enter the Sues**

Thunder could be heard in the distance.  Dusk now welcomed the moon in the sky while the six companions ran for their lives, each pulling back on the other to try and get ahead of the group.  "Outta my way!  Outta my way!" cried Legolas.  "Don't let them get me!  Don't let them get me!"  

_You suck, Elbereth!_

The Hobbits were scared stiff around Aragorn's leg so Boromir had to detach them and carry one Hobbit under each arm.  The girly screams that filled the confines of the corridor began to echo louder than the weather outside.

Legolas, himself, began screaming at the top of his lungs.  He couldn't bear the thought of being captured by the mass of fangirls at his boots.  Most of them seemed to be good sprinters, too.  Practice perhaps?  He swore he saw one of them carrying a laptop in hand while chasing after them, probably typing another ghastly masterpiece.

Just the thought of them playing with his hair and fondling his ears made him shiver.  Poking and probing at him like some sort of science experiment...or worse...a pet.  The prince turned around to see how they were gaining and one of them was actually close enough to touch the tip of Gandalf's staff.  The wizard was having the hardest time running, trying to hold his robes up like a dress so he wouldn't trip, and attempting to carry the wooden stick.

Aragorn was also running in a panic with his hands folded in between his undersides (just in case they got dirty).  The Hobbits were snickering at the sight.  The Ranger looked like he was trying to keep some sort of brassier from falling off his chest.  

But, Boromir, on the other hand, was too distant to notice.  He was still thinking of a way to get Aragorn back to his old self again.  Soon, the smoke rising from the stampeding feet of the fangirls behind them suddenly sparked an idea in his head.  He just had to time it properly.

He sped up past the King then pretended to drop one of the Hobbits by accident making the Man tumble over his tiny figure.  Poor Pippin became crushed under his heavy form.  "Um...ouch," he breathed.  Before the Ranger could get off him, the fangirls quickly trampled over his body like it was a year-end sale at Tiffany's.

"Sorry 'bout that, Aragorn!  Fingers slipped," the Dúnadan yelled down the way.  

Merry wiped his brow and sighed with relief that he was still in one piece.  "Catch you later, Pip!" he waved.

Aragorn slowly sat up and tried catching the little ponies circling around his head.  Pippin looked at him and wondered where his twin brother came from before knocking out of conscience again.  The Ranger finally gathered himself together then stood up with the Hobbit over his shoulder and eyebrows furrowed.

"How dare he," he said.  "I'm all dusty!"  He swatted his clothing with his hand to try and dust himself off when it got into his noise, sending a signal to his brain of how that was the only way to live.  A smile crept to his lips as he happily threw his hands in the air.  "I'm filthy again!  Oh, oops...sorry, Pippin."

"Oh, don't worry about me...I'll be fine," he said face first against the floor.  Aragorn forgot he was holding onto him in all his excitement.  "Come little Hobbit, we must catch up with the rest," he picked the Took back up and followed the lingering scent of cheap perfume.

Meanwhile...

"No! No! I don't want to shake my rump!" Legolas began talking to himself.  The pounding fingers on the fangirl's laptop keypad had made him delusional.  "Someone destroy that evil creation!"

"Just keep running, all of you.  And, don't look back!" puffed Gandalf.  _It's times like these when I wish I was dead...really dead...like dead dead...no more coming back to life dead._

Victoria's Secret lotion bottles and other various objects were now flying overhead.  The fangirls thought that if not Legolas, then maybe they could knock one of the others unconscious and hold them hostage until the prince met their dreamy demands.

Just the luck of a fangirl who'd been practicing with darts, she nailed the Elf right in the back of the head with her empty spray can.  Legolas came crashing down on all fours, rubbing his head.  "Ow, what the - !  That thing could give someone serious brain damage," he picked up the item.  He looked up just in time to see the five waving him a goodbye as the fangirls quickened their pace.  "Oh, sh - "

"Shina!  Finally, there he is," one of them giggled.  "The prince looks so yummy!  Like, I swear, I'm going to bump uglies with him first."

"Like, _whatever, m'kay!  You are like, sooo not his type.  Your braids are all wrong," her friend replied._

Legolas was paralyzed from fear.  He couldn't bring himself up from the floor to head for the hills.  The fangirls looked like a pack of hungry Wargs closing in on him.  _Maybe I could bargain with them?  With a bone, perhaps?  Umm…umm...a tour of the dungeon instead of me...maybe?!  He shut his eyes closed awaiting his horrifying fate when he heard some sort of glass breaking._

He opened his eyes to see a group of females crashing through the windows on ropes, stopping the fangirls within a few feet of where he was.  They barricaded themselves in front of him like a shield.  "We cannot allow you harm the prince," a beautiful redhead with purple eyes said.

"And, who are you?" a fangirl in pigtails asked while twisting her gum around her finger.

"We are the Sues.  Mary Sues, to be exact," she announced.  A sudden light appeared out of nowhere, highlighting their features with heavenly music playing in the background.  "It is our duty to keep little weaklings such as yourselves from laying a hand on our beloved prince."

"Your prince?  Oh, it's on now, girlfriend!" a dark-haired fangirl with blonde streaks responded.  She started to take off her hoop-earrings, prepared to fight for her 'Man' (err...Elf).  "My momma didn't raise no fool!"  

The rest of the girls glared back at the Sues, ready to scruff it out for the love of Legolas.  The prince quietly scurried away while they preoccupied themselves on who would receive his affection.

"Do they actually think they stand a chance?" a Sue asked another in their group.  The raven-haired, fair-skinned Sue only grinned back.

"If you want the prince for yourselves, then you must go through us first," the head Mary Sue said.  They split perfectly into three lines behind each other, ready to strike in their warrior poses.  "With our unmatched skills we do not need our weapons.  Our bare hands will suffice."

"Fine.  Girls...are we ready to show these hussies what we're made of?" the pigtailed fangirl replied.  She spit out her gum and hardened her jaw.

"Like, yeah!" they answered in unison.

The battle in the Eastern Corridor was about to begin...

**End of Chapter**

Aww...don't you just hate cliffhangers?  Yes, I know.  Sorry, I'm notorious for them.  That's what you get for watching The Two Towers for the second time in one week (about to watch it tomorrow again, too!).  ;)  Please review and tell me how much you just _looove this chapter and how much you want to strangle me in my sleep right about now.  Thank ya kindly!  lol._

**On to Part VIII!**


	8. Is it Safe Yet?

**Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**A/N:  Thank you for the constant reviews!  You make my days happy! ^_^  Took me forever in trying to upload this due the site's stoo-pid technical failure...grrr.**

**My Head Hurts**

**Part VIII:**

**Is it Safe Yet?**

"Quick, lock that door!" instructed Gandalf.  He took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead. 

"Gandalf, can't you use your magic against them?" asked Merry.

"No, I'm afraid I cannot, young Meriadoc.  Even if I tried my strongest enchantments they will still keep coming," answered the wizard.

"Yes, they have been multiplying by the dozens, evolving into a new race.  Especially since The Two Towers was released..." added Boromir.  "Damn you, Legolas!"

The prince was cradling himself in the corner like a scared little animal lost in the woods.  "Well, _excuuuse me for helping track the Hobbits after the Uruks took them and then willingly fighting in the Battle of Hornburg while having to got to the bathroom the whole time!" he retorted.  "And, did I complain?  __Nooo!  And, did I think I was going to receive more fangirls?  N-- well, alright...maybe..."_

Boromir stuck his tongue out.

"Settle down you two!" said Gandalf.  _So, that's why he was hopping all over the place... "If you haven't noticed, we've lost Aragorn and Pippin in the escape."_

"Oh, really?  Hmm...didn't notice," the Dúnadan pretended to look surprised.

"Pippin..." Merry sniffled, lowering his head.  

"I am sorry," Boromir tried to comfort him.

"Sorry?!  He's probably being fed mushrooms and other yummy things without me!" he threw his hands in the air.  "They always did find him to be the cute one between us just because he requires special attention."  Merry pictured him sitting on a plush couch with fangirl Hobbit lasses fanning him with over-sized feathers and feeding him individual grapes.  His mind snapped when he thought Pippin winked at him.  "Alright, that's it.  Pippin, I'm coming!"

The Brandybuck charged for the door until Gandalf's hand stopped him.  He kept trying to move forward but the Maia's big hand on top of his tiny sandy-blonde head was set firmly.  "No, Merry, stay here where it is safe.  Your friend is with Aragorn.  He will protect him...hopefully."  

Back in the Eastern Corridor...

Warrior cries from the Sues rang melodiously as far as Elven ears could hear.  In between their beautiful voices were the fangirls', their own battle cries sounding like Indians readying to charge.  The Sues, still in their poses, waited patiently for the signal to attack.

Before the fangirls were really ready to fight, however, they had to prepare themselves first by hiring male masseurs to get the knots out of their muscles while some took short beauty naps.  "Like, ouch! _Hello!" said a fangirl to another who was waxing her bikini area.  The Sues rolled their gorgeous never-seen-before-colored eyes and gave each other irritated looks._

"What are we going to do, head Mary Sue?" asked the Sue with the rainbow hair.  "We cannot wait forever - well we can, we are immortal - for these feeble creatures to finish their rituals."

"Yes, she is right.  The Fellowship in story id: 1234567 have already been formed and I am two days late in joining their journey.  How scared and lonely they must be without me there to protect them.  Poor things.  I cannot let my skills and perfect beauty be wasted here," pouted the other with multicolored eyes. 

"I know, my dear maidens," she replied.  "Do not worry for I have a plan."  The Sues hearing what she said (because all Sues have perfect hearing) smiled.  "Mortal creatures from an evil land, may I have your attention, please," the head Sue cleared her throat.

The fangirls looked at her with blank expressions.  "Ugh!  This like, better be good cause like, I was totally about to play tonsil hockey with my other lust object, Justin Timberlake," said a fangirl who was sporting her homemade mud mask.  One cucumber remained on her eye as her tiny poodle named Legoleaflake ate the other she removed. 

"Since we can telepathically communicate with the prince, he has told us that he is allowing one fangirl within three feet of him," lied the head Sue.  She winked at her fellow maidens and waited for their response.

"Like, oh my GOD!!!" the fangirls chorused, jumping up and down like they just saw Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys.  Some put on the water works and some passed out.  A few who tried getting a head start were thrown back into the crowd from a third degree black belt Sue who stuck her arm out in front of their path.

"Tsk, tsk," she shook her head with a grin.

"Now, now, wrenched beings, let us not get ahead of ourselves," said the head Sue.  "The first fangirl who reaches the prince will get her wish granted.  That is, if you can get through!" 

The fangirls began stampeding like wild boars, trying to push their way through the Sues.  Xena Warrior Princess moves could be seen everywhere as the fangirls and the Sues launched into catfights.  Someone's high-heeled leather boot knocked a girl right in the head increasing the body count that laid on the floor.

"Umm...Strider, maybe we should hide," the Took looked at the battle scene.  Pippin and Aragon reached the eastern corridor just in time to see nails broken and hair being pulled.  Makeup was also smeared on the opposing side of the Sues making the fangirls look like clowns from a circus.

The two hid themselves in the corner to avoid any type of capture.  "We cannot linger in here for long.  We are not safe," said Aragorn.

"Uhh...derrr!" Pippin rolled his eyes.

"Hush your mouth, tiny," the Ranger bopped him on the head.  "We will have to try and make a run for it.  Hopefully we will get by undetected."  He bolted through the corridor with the Hobbit still over his shoulder praying to Eru that they would make it across safely.

Eru was probably busy answering someone else's prayers for something grabbed the Rangers leg bringing both him and Pippin down.  "Puwahaha!" laughed the Took.

"You idiot!  Why are you laughing?!  We are now in harm's way," yelled Aragorn.

"Sorry, Strider.  I can't help it.  It's just that she's...she's...puwahaha!" he started again.

"What?  She's what?!  Who's what?!" the Man looked confused.

"Humping your leg!" 

Aragorn looked at his leg and sure enough, his leg _was being humped.  "AHHHH!!!" he started running around in circles.  "Get this dog off me!" he tired shaking the poodle away._

Pippin's sides were now badly cramping from the hysterical scene.  Just as he was about to wipe a tear from his eye from laughing so much, a fangirl fell from the ceiling next to him.  "Like…ouch.  My Versace dress is like totally ruined!" she whined, and then she saw who was staring at her.  "Like, no way!  You're like, one of those cute little munchkin people aren't you?"

"Munch what?" he asked.

"You look sooo cute and cuddly!" the fangirl pinched his cheeks.  "Yes, you do!  Yes, you do!" she said in a baby voice.  "Oh, I can just sooo eat you up!" she giggled.  Pippin was now terrified.  He didn't want to be eaten.  He was too young to be eaten.  "Come here you!" she grabbed for him.  Out of panic, he punched her in the eye and scrambled away on all fours.

"Strider!  Help meeeee!!!" 

"I'm coming Pippin...just as soon as I get this blasted mutt off my leg!  No! No, don't -- awww," he whined.  Legoleaflake had peed on him.  "I swear these fangirls who are disguised as 'authors' should really read the FF.Net's motto more carefully!  It says: Unleash your imagination and free your soul.  Not 'Unleash your demented imagination and let all hell break loose on the Lord of the Rings' characters!'"

"I want Merry!" cried the Took.  

**End of Chapter**

**On to Part IX!     **


	9. Two to Two Dozen

**Disclaimer:  **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**A/N:**  Sorry that this chapter is kind of short and well...bleh!

**My Head Hurts******

**Part IX:******

**Two to Two Dozen******

The battle commenced in the eastern corridor, neither side willing to give up without a fight.  One fangirl's ruined Legolas poster dangling around her neck collapsed near Pippin as he tried looking for another safe area to hide.  She gave a squeaky grunt after he stepped over her to get by.

"Strider!" the Ranger heard a female scream.  'Oh no...a fangirl of mine has found me!' he thought.  'I knew I shouldn't have rolled in that mud before coming here.  My scent has been discovered!'  Just as he was about to go into mad hysterics, he realized the ear-piercing scream came from Pippin.

"Oh..."

"Strider!  Strider!  Strider!  STRIDAAARRR!" the Took kept wailing.  The infernal noise became so unbearable that all the fangirls had to cover their ears, each one dropping to the floor like insects to bug spray.  "Eeeeeeeeeee," they moaned.  The all-powerful Sues merely stood there wondering what was happening.  

"He like, sounds worse than Steven Tyler from Areosmith!" said a fangirl who took the cotton balls between her toes (because her Ruby Red nail polish hadn't dried yet) and plugged them into her ears.  Some of the Sues, who's opponents fell, stared in disbelief that a little person such as Pippin could render a ligancy of over-obsessed group of teenage girls down.  

"What can I say?  It's a gift," he beamed. 

"Any one of us could have done that," said a Sue who's Maia-mother got a little too friendly with a Phoenix bird.  Where in Middle-earth it came from, she didn't know.  The author who created her never specified it in her background.  Mother's name?  Anonymous.

"Come, Pippin, before they come-to," Aragorn grabbed him by the arm.  

Pippin pinched his nose from the foul stench that rose from his leggings and tunic then nodded and said, "But, do you have to stand so close?!"  (The dog had peed again on him from anxiety; hanging upside-down by the tail, tied with someone's hair-scrunchy on a candleholder against the wall.)

The King glared at the Took.  "Do not forget that I can very easily leave you here.  I heard a rich fangirl say that they could use another servant to help with carrying her shopping bags.  Banana Republic...Ann Taylor...Abercrombie & Fitch," he threw out a few store names.  

"I love you," said Pippin sweetly.  

Aragorn rolled his eyes at the Hobbit's attempt in imitating Frodo's puppy dog eyes.  "Come on, you," he yanked him.  "Thank you for your efforts.  You maidens, Elf/Human/Other, were fantastic," he bowed to them.

"Of course we were...we are PERFECT!" they (once again) melodiously laughed at him. "Silly Mortal."

"Yes, well...we really must be going now," he grinned.  He felt a metal thwap in the head after he winked at one of them.  

_Sorry, dear...  ___

"Darn Arwen and her interfering dream images of herself.  I'm not even asleep!" he mumbled to himself.  "Meddlesome grandmother, too..." 

_Thwap!_  

"Oops!  Sorry, Galadriel, I didn't mean it...really!" the Ranger looked around the room as if the sorceress was eying him.  He smiled innocently at the ceiling, the angle where she was probably watching him through her Mirror.  Aragorn blew the ceiling a kiss then lowered his head and made a face. 

"Wait, son of Arathorn," the head Sue stopped them.  "We must thank Master Pippin for his help as well in single-handily defeating those prissy creatures.  That is a great thing to accomplish for someone who is not a Mary Sue."  

A yellowed-eyed, silver-haired Sue stepped forward.  "Yes. Although, this 'fight' as you would call it, was merely a warm up exercise of the likes of us, we still commend you, little Hobbit."

"Gee, thanks," he shyly twiddled his thumbs.

"And because of this, we will escort you safely to your company," added the head Sue.

"Really, that will not be necessary," Aragorn shook his head.

"Are you saying that we are not capable of such a small task, Mortal Man?" she said firmly, and to Aragorn...just a tad bit threatening.

"No, no, of course not!" he gulped.  He made a metal note to remembering what he said around them.  What would the others say if he got beat up by a girl?  

_But, Mary Sues don't count as girls...do they?!  I mean, they fight like...Men.  Yes!  That can be my excuse... They are really Men!  No, wait...bad metal picture...___

"Well, then?"

"Fine," he pouted.  _Legolas is going to kill me..._

"But, what else is new?!" Pippin broke his thoughts.

**End of Chapter******

See, didn't I say this chapter was BLEH!  Please, review anyway, though! lol.

**On to Part X!**


	10. The Way of the Sues

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**A/N: **So sorry for the lack of updates! I've just been sooo busy!

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part X:**

**The Way of the Sues**

"Is the coast clear?" The redheaded leader whispered.

"Yes!" another responded. Aragorn rolled his eyes. Who would be idiotic enough to try and sneak up on them in a crowded corridor, he thought. Surely not the fangirls...or at least, not this early in _their_ journey. They didn't drop into the stories until usually about midway compared to the Sues who were already staked out at various posts in Rivendell.

But, the way things were going lately, some did end up early during Galadriel's opening speech in the first movie. He swore every time that particular scene came up in a story, a small earthquake could be felt in the distance. Probably due to numerous fangirls feeling the uncontrollable wrath towards them every time they interrupted her with their noisy landings.

The fangirls who were unfortunate enough to land on top of the Lady were turned into tiny poisonous mushrooms, too, making the Hobbits sick for weeks. "I told Mr. Frodo that I knew something felt mighty fishy about that fungus. I mean, how often do you see one with a mini-skirt!" Sam had said, his head hanging from the toilet bowl.

"Mini-skirt? At least yours didn't have spiked heels!" Merry had hiccupped out a pair in the outhouse next to the gardener. At his words, another unsettled stomach was heard two doors down. "I see Celeborn won't be making lemba stew with mushrooms for a while...poor, Galadriel," he shook his head.

After that ill incident the Hobbits had learned their lesson well. Well...except for Pippin, that is. It took the Took three fangirl-mushrooms to figure out that they tasted terrible for a reason.

If you also had eyes like the Elves, you could almost see some of the fangirls climbing the Mountainside in the opening scene from The Two Towers, waving at the camera. That's why that scene zipped by so quickly. The lesser the visibility of unwanted extras, the better...and less nightmares for Peter Jackson from canon characters forcing him to wear _actual_ shoes and worst...with tube-socks!

Aragorn had insisted on leading the Sues to the rest of his company, that way, he could try and make his first excuses of how they tortured him into bringing them to Legolas before the prince got a glimpse of the females. But, things didn't work out as planned. The Sues were firm in their decision in having him and Pippin walk in the middle of them in case they ran into some sort of danger.

Pippin, his feet tired from all the walking, faked an injury, saying that he accidentally tripped over a Sue's long-flowing (and very golden) hair. Not knowing how long it would take to reach everyone, he decided to use his 'poor little Hobbit' trick to get one of them to carry him. And it worked.

Almost too well.

Being 'helpful' as in the nature of a Sue, a few bickered over of whom would get to carry the Hobbit because of his supposed injured ankle. Pippin was having fun at first, being fought over by beautiful women left and right, until he started getting queasy from being thrown back and forth in the process.

"Ladies, ladies, please," he tried getting their attention as he was roughly laid on a shoulder. "There's enough Pippin to go around!"

"Sues do not share," glared a cat-eyed Sue at a fellow maiden who was trying to take him from her. The next thing the Halfling knew, he was yet again being thrown in the air like a bouncy beach ball by a bunch of college girls on break in Cancun, Mexico.

Aragorn knew that this was going to get ugly and so stepped forward. "Miladies, I will carry, Pippin," he bowed. The Ranger smiled sarcastically at him and gently patted his locks that turned into another thwap in the back of the head.

"Oh, look! All better," Pippin pretended to test his weight on his foot with a most innocent smile.

"Surprise, surprise," mumbled Aragorn. "Come, let us continue," he sighed, finally taking the lead.

_Upon reaching the rest of the Fellowship..._

"Legolas! Get off Aragorn!" hissed Gandalf. The Ranger's tactic of explaining himself went through one elf-ear and out the other as the prince tried to strangle him.

"Do you know how dangerous these...these...these _things_ are!" Legolas said in a panic.

"Yes, that's why I didn't dare get them in a bad mood. For all I know, they could be having that PMS thing!" Aragorn rubbed his neck. Merry and Pippin made a disgusted face.

"This is not good, not good at all," paced the elf.

"My prince, are you hungry?" asked a white-haired faerie Sue who started batting her eye lashes while speaking.

Legolas jumped and blinked his eyes. "Well, I am quite famished," he winked back. The faerie Sue gave a little giggle and walked away telling him that she would prepare him something to eat. He just stood there in awe of her beauty, watching her walk away with a grin on his lips.

_Thwap!_

"AHH!" the prince banged his head against the wall. "No...must...not...give...in...to...Mary Sue-ish...powers..." he said to himself like a mantra.

"Good thing the subconscious 'thwap' in his head was set to 'avoid staring at all Mary Sues'," said Boromir.

"Yes, but how long can his brain keep resetting itself?" asked Gandalf.

"Good question. If used too often those things wear out easily," he nodded.

"They're evil...beautiful...unnatural...gorgeous...monsters...no maidens...but deadly...although loving...action hogs!" Legolas' mind was still battling against their enchanting ways towards him. "Yet, highly skilled and can do wonders in --"

_Thwap! _

**End of Chapter**

Okay, so it wasn't long as I hoped it to be. I just mostly wanted to get it out there asap before I really didn't have time to work on it. I've been having somewhat of a writer's block too. Anyhoo, please review:O)

**Part XI coming soon...**


	11. Everybody Was Kungfu Fighting

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I'm very sorry about the long updates, there's just so much going on in my life right now. But, do not worry, I am not abandoning this fic. Please be patient with me. Thank you once again for your reviews!

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part XI:**

**Everybody Was Kung-fu Fighting**

"Legolas...Legolas, are you there?" Pippin waved his hand in front of his face. He waited for a few minutes for the prince to respond, but received nothing but a blank expression.

"Ooowwww!" cringed Legolas.

"Oh, oops...sorry," the Took impishly grinned. He had kicked the elf in the side to see if he was still alive. Aragorn hit him in the back of the head. "What? How was I supposed to know that he was still breathing? He looked dead to me! Dead like a fish."

"Mmm...yup...dead. Dead like a fish," repeated Merry, "hey look, his eyes are uncrossing!"

Legolas slowly sat up from being spread out across the floor and took a good look at the Hobbits. He had knocked himself unconscious from banging his head against the wall from the evil powers of that one Mary Sue.

"That's it," he said, then took out a silk blindfold and tied it around his eyes. "This way those tricky little vixens can't get the best of me! Hahaha...oomphf!"

"Hey, watch it!" Merry shoved him towards Pippin.

Pippin got annoyed at Merry for pushing Legolas into him so he pushed him back in his direction. Soon the Halflings were pushing the elf back and forth until Legolas started getting dizzy. The two snickered at his futile attempts of grabbing them since they were a lot shorter than where he was aiming.

"Marco!" Pippin made a funny face.

"Polo!" Merry answered in a little leprechaun dance.

Legolas was about to take the blindfold off to bash their heads in until they warned him that all the Sues were staring intensely at him...which they weren't. They were all too busy (for the time being) trying to find the 'safest' route to the therapist.

Knowing that Merry and Pippin were probably ducking his blows (which wasn't really a hard feet to accomplish, seeing how they're half his size) he began kicking like a soccer player at a championship game. There were a few grunts here and there and when it finally stopped, a smile spread across his face.

"That'll teach you!" he said in triumph. Wanting to see the damage he did to the Hobbits, he risked taking off his blindfold to take a quick peak. When he looked around to where the Fellowship was, his proud smile turned into an embarrassing one.

"Whoopsies...sorry everyone," he apologized. In his blind attempt to get the Hobbits, he also had kicked everyone else in the process. They were on the floor nursing their individual bruises with unhappy glares in their eyes. The prince quickly put the blindfold back on and prayed to Eru that they wouldn't hit an elf that couldn't see.

"Your highness, supper is ready for you," he heard a Sue say. Legolas back against the wall then started slowly walked forward towards the voice. He started feeling around so he could get a sense of what type of Sue was talking. The prince patted her high in protein silk hair, then felt her face. She had the softest skin he had ever felt...almost as soft as his was, flawless to the touch.

_What an outrage. How dare she!_

"Thank you," he said, then tactically began pinching her cheeks and playing with her face. _I guess Aragorn's insanity did prove useful...her flustered features should bring her down a notch...hehehe..._

"Umm...you are welcome," she answered in a confused manner then walked away rubbing her face. "The prince has the oddest greetings," she whispered to another maiden.

"Here is your soup and bread, dear prince," a different Sue approached him. He went to get it from her but his hands accidentally grabbed for her chest instead.

"Oh, your highness!" she squealed.

"Oops!" he blushed, "umm...so...ha...ha...what's in the soup!" Legolas twiddled his thumbs behind him.

"Vegetables with lemba flavoring," answered the Head Sue.

"Great..." he smiled sarcastically. _Don't us Elves eat anything else but lembas!_

Boromir took a look at the soup and folded his arms. "I can make a better stew than that," he humphf to himself. "Who's supposed to be the cook on this little trip anyway?" _I have far better recipes that would knock the beautifulness right out of their knee-high socks…_

"I will feed you, my Elven-prince," a Sue with butterfly wings stepped forward with a smile.

"No, thank you, Buttercup-who-cannot-fly-who-whishes-she-could-iwen, I will feed the prince," the Sue who originally had the soup responded. She gave her a polite smile with a 'you touch this spoon, you die' look in her pink eyes.

"That is very gracious of you but I can --"

"Hush your mouth!" they snapped at him.

"Ooookeeey then...I'll just be over there," he carefully backed away again against the wall.

"Your duty has been completed, Roses-with-dull-thorns-with-no-leaves-iel, therefore I will now take over," she matched her 'you touch this spoon, you die' look with her own 'hand that spoon over before I shove in an unhappy place' look.

"My fellow Mary Sues, there is no point in arguing over such a small gesture," said the Head Sue. "I will feed the prince," a small grin appeared on her lips.

"But, I-think-I-am-the-prettiest-of-them-all-thien, you have already done so much this past day. Surely you would like to rest," said Buttercup-who-cannot-fly-who-whishes-she-could-iwen.

"Yes, leave this task to me," butted Roses-with-dull-thorns-with-no-leaves-iel.

"I wonder what they're arguing about over there?" asked Pippin who was watching the conversation taking place.

"Oh, never mind them, Pip, they're just probably arguing over who has the prettiest eyelashes or something," answered Merry. "C'mon, it's my turn."

Pippin shrugged his shoulders then concentrated back on the game he and the Brandybuck was playing. "Sorry, Merry...go fish," he smiled.

"Drats!" the Brandybuck snapped his fingers.

The next thing the Fellowship knew, the soup bowl hit the wall with several Sues getting into a heated discussion.

"What? What's going on?" Legolas stopped biting his nails in the corner with his blindfold still over his eyes.

"Oh, nothing to worry about. Just stay put for now," Gandalf puffed on his pipe.

"But what was that noise?" he asked.

"Oh, umm...a Sue found a fly in the soup and so chops-sueyed it to death so you wouldn't accidentally swallow it, thus having to break the bowl along with it," lied Aragorn. "No need to have another squealing male among the group," he whispered to Gandalf.

"Hey!" Pippin placed his arms on his hips, "I heard that. My voice just hasn't fully developed is all," he explained.

"It's okay, Pippin, c'mon," Merry dragged him away. _Yeah...sure...whatever..._

_CRASH!_

The Fellowship flinched at the sound of a Sue being thrown against another Sue on the opposite wall. Soon more Sues were joining the fight that had erupted. "No! I will wash his undergarments, not you!" they heard one of them say. "And, I will brush his hair one-hundred times to at least be as healthy as mine!" another yelled.

"Oh, boy..." Boromir breathed. "What's worst than fangirls fighting for their lust-objects are Sues fighting for _their_ lust-objects."

"Why, what's the difference?" asked the Took.

"Sues, being perfect and all, can rip any creature in half who dare stand in their way of protecting their target, which in this case is the elf. Or, if not protecting, just standing around being pretty or having better heavenly entrance music."

"Yes...they'll probably just bury us alive to get to the prince," added Gandalf.

"Or worst...leave one of them with us to talk about herself and how she was really the one who gave Eru the inspiration for the third theme of Ainulindalë," cringed Aragorn.

"Lemme out! Lemme out!" Legolas tried clawing his way through the wall. Gandalf casually bopped him on the head with his walking stick sending the prince to the floor.

"Come, we should go, before the Sues finds us missing," he said.

"Or before we get hurt!" the Hobbits were back around Aragorn's leg.

The Sues were flying around the corridor with their Matrix style moves and talking like they were in a Kung-fu movie with pre-recorded dialogue. Even sound effects and dust were flying through the air every time they did a Kung-fu pose. The Fellowship snuck through another corridor with the elf over Boromir's back, everyone hoping that the Sues would cancel each other out and be reincarnated into another story.

But will they? ...

**End of Chapter**

And there you have it. Sorry it took so long. I wanted to be original with the names of the Sues so instead of making it long and 'pretty' sounding and absolutely difficult to pronounce (lol) I did that 'Dances-with-wolves' kinda thing. Hehe… Please review!

**Part XII coming (hopefully) soon...**


	12. Into the Dark

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**A/N: **Hello. How is everyone? Did you miss me? lol. On with the story!

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part XII:**

**Into the Dark**

"Make them stop! Make them stop!" Legolas was trying to claw himself through another wall."Calm down, Legolas. We're almost there," Gandalf pulled him by the hair.

"You said that chapters ago, I don't want to be in this _stoopid_ story anymore." Legolas pouted walking backwards with his arms crossed in front of his chest. Gandalf still had him by the hair and had no intentions of letting go. "Let me out of this story! What about a nice Harry Potter fic, hmm? Surely I could easily turn a Sue or a Fangirl into a bug or a plant with those handy-dandy little abracadabra wands they have? Make them go _poof!_" he smiled.

"Don't be stupid, wands for sissies!" Pippin said to him sounding all-knowingly.

"Yeah, only girly-men use them," Merry agreed. Gandalf cleared his throat. "Oh, but uhh…staff-wands…you can't go wrong with them!" the Hobbit started backing away, grabbing onto Pippin's vest.

"Uhh…yeah…multi-functional and stuff…" smiled the Took nervously.

The two tried running behind Boromir this time only to be tripped by the Ranger. "Oh, oops! Pardon me, didn't see you two running there," he patted them on the head.

"Yeah, right!" Pippin said angrily. He touched the spot on his head where Aragon placed his hand and gave Merry a look of disgust. Merry's eyes widened and slowly backed his hand away from his own head. "Better not risk it…"

"I'm tired. Are we there _yet_!" the Elf whined.

"Yeah, me too," added Merry.

"Is it time for second breakfast yet?" Pippin looked at Boromir.

Boromir raised an eyebrow. "Second breakfast? You just had second lunch!"

"Oh…right. Well then…it is time for first dinner yet?" he asked again with a hopeful smile. Boromir rolled his eyes.

"We shall camp here in this corridor for the night," announced the Maia.

"How do you know it's nighttime?" asked Merry. "There aren't any windows so we can't see outside and I know you can't tell time worth lint…so how do you --"

_BOP!_

Gandalf hit the Brandybuck in the head with his staff. "If I say it's nighttime then it's nighttime, now shut up and go cuddle over there with Pippin!"

"Yes, sir!" he gulped then ran over to his friend.

"That goes for all of you!"

Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn looked at him with blank expressions, then looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and proceeded to cuddle with Pippin also. The Took never felt so loved! Gandalf hit himself in the forehead. "I'm not even going to bother…"

_That following "morning…"_

"Old man! Old man! Wake up, we heard something," the Hobbits shook furiously at his heavy robes.

"It's just probably one of the others letting out some bodily gas, now let me go back to sleep," he motioned them away.

"No, that was you right before we woke you." Pippin plugged his nose.

Merry laughed, "You smelled it, you dealt it, Pip!"

Pippin started laughing too. "Haha…I probably did…shhh!"

The Hobbits merriment was stopped short at the sudden sound of a loud stomping in the distance. Legolas woke next then Boromir. Aragorn would have woken up after him but he was too busy sucking on his thumb, sleeping like a dog.

"Hey stinky pants…and everything else you're wearing, wake up!" Boromir shouted at the Ranger.

"No! No, Arwen don't wash me! I promise to be better in -- " Aragorn shot awake. "I mean…what! What's going on? What's wrong?"

The Hobbits started snickering. "Better in what your Highness?" Pippin giggled.

"Better in…umm…knitting! You know how she loves to knit and thinks my children and I should learn the fine art…" he cleared his throat after trying to defend himself. "Anyways! What's all the commotion about?"

"The Hobbits heard Gandalf fart and woke up," whispered Boromir.

"So that's what that was."

"It was not I who did the foul deed," Gandalf attempted to set the record straight.

"Yeaaaaaah…sure..." Legolas gave a 'whatever it was you' nod to the others.

_TUMP! THUD! CRASH!_

"See! There it is again!" exclaimed Pippin.

"Alright, everyone make room," Gandalf put his wizard hat on.

"Wow, Gandalf, are you really going over there to find out what that was? Or maybe use a spell to turn it into a toad?" Legolas asked amazed.

"No! Mushroom!" smiled Pippin.

"What? Don't be foolish. I'm just merely getting ready to run in front of you all."

Everyone's jaw dropped.

"Psh…some wizard…" Aragorn mumbled.

_POW! BAM! BOOM!_

"It's getting closer!" Merry said in a whispered cry.

"Run! Run you fools! Run!" Gandalf ordered. "No, not in front of me, behind me!" he tried getting ahead of the pack. He would have succeed too if he hadn't trip over Pippin's big, hairy feet. "Fool of a Took!"

Gandalf went down, then Pippin, then Merry when he lunged towards him for support. The two Men and Elf stopped wondering why the three were piled up on top of each other.

"Should we help them?" asked Aragorn.

"Do we _have _to?" Legolas whined again.

"What do you think, Boromir? …Boromir? Hey, where'd he go?" Aragorn looked around for him.

"Later, suckers!" Boromir had kept running. Soon he disappeared into the darkened corridor.

"Jerk."

**End of Chapter**

**Part XIII coming soon…**


	13. Hairy Situation

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part XIII:**

**Hairy Situation**

Pippin and Merry were crying a river on the floor. "Do not worry yourselves about Boromir, young Halflings, he actually had more chapter time that he was supposed to…so be happy that he lasted this long," said Aragorn.

"Oh, who cares about that whuss! It's not him we'll miss…" Pippin sniffled.

"Then why are you two little weird creatures crying then?" Legolas asked confused.

"With Boromir gone, who will cook our meals for us? We'll miss the food!" answered Merry. And with that more wails of crying filled their ears.

"Second breakfast…what about second breakfast!" Pippin was asking around like a mad-Hobbit.

_BOP!_

"How many sissies do we have in this story!" Gandalf rolled his eyes. To his surprise all four of his companions raised their hands, even Pippin who was once again lying on the floor.

"We don't have time for this. We must find out what that noise was," the Ranger was prepared to draw Narsil.

It was getting closer…and closer…and closer…until…

_Oomphf!_

"Greetings, friends!"

"GIMLI!" everyone said in unison.

_Aww hell!_ Legolas mentally said aloud.

The loud noise they heard was the Dwarf trying to push, shove and destroy whatever was in his path to get to the Fellowship that were there in Greenwood/Mirkwood/Eryn Lasgalen. He had finally stumbled into the barricaded door with the help of his battle-axe.

"We should get a move on…_they_ aren't very happy," he said getting up.

"Who are they?" Legolas was hesitant to ask.

"Oh, you know…those creatures with long hair, weird eyes and theme music following them around."

"Eeeep! The Sues!" the prince bit his bottom lip, "Where did you see them last?"

"They were a few yards back, last I saw of the lasses. Not happy at all. Especially after I gave one of them a haircut with my axe," Gimli kissed the wooden handle.

"Aaaaand…that's our cue!" said Gandalf. "Run you – "

"Yeah, yeah…we know. Run you fools! Run!" they butted in. Gandalf gave them a glare. _Line stealing hogs…_

The six Fellowship members ran as fast as they could past more sets of doors, each race trying to get ahead of the other. Merry and Pippin were happily playing leapfrog until Gimli tried joining in the fun. He ended up crushing both of them when he tried jumping over not one, but two Hobbits.

"Get off us you red hairy goat!" the Halflings squirmed from underneath.

"You two need more backbone!" he got up in a huff. "And drink more milk for calcium."

Legolas looked behind him to see the three shortest beings trying to catch up and shook his head at the sight. "What is he doing here? He's not supposed to be here, I have enough to deal with as it is!"

"Whom are you referring to? Gimli?" Aragorn sped up so that they were running side-by-side.

"Duh! Who else!" the prince rolled his eyes. _Sheesh…_

"What about the Dwarf? I thought you were best of friends?" Gandalf entered the conversation.

Legolas gasped. "Ugh…please! I guess you could say that."

"What happened with sailing into the West together?" asked the Ranger.

"Taking him with me to the Undying Lands was a mistake. Constant hairs in the bathroom sink…in the bathtub…in my food…in bed! Oye, everywhere I turned was a spider web of hair. Coughed up a few hairballs too…yuck," he responded.

Strider and the wizard looked at each other. Did the Elf say in bed? This was the perfect opportunity to pry more information out of him they both thought.

"So, Legolas…what exactly did you and Gimli do in Tirion?" Aragorn continued. "I mean, why was it a mistake to bring him to Valinor hmm…?"

"Were you not reading the last lines I just said! I told you – there was too much hair!" he stressed in a loud whisper. "Go read chapter II for details on why I think having a beard is such a filthy thing." Gandalf cleared his throat again at the same remark the Elf had made earlier in the story, still unknown of how he was being offended. Legolas looked at him. "Again with the _ahem_-ing and the clearing the throat thing," he said. "Would you like some lozenges?"

"So, you mean…that's it?" interrupted the Ranger.

"What do you mean, 'So you mean…that's it?' What else is there to tell? Besides long walks in Irmo's garden in Lórien and sparing once in a while, we just enjoyed the splendors of the place. I do have a life you know. Aaaand, my name is Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, not Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood/babysitter/housekeeper/husband," he said. "It's not like the things dangling from his beard caused the short guy to not have _other_ friends there."

"So, it seems that you and Gimli were not as close as we assumed?" said Gandalf.

"Well, we were…or are, or however you want to put it. Sometimes when I just wanted to 'hang out' with old friends I hadn't seen for centuries, I couldn't do it peacefully without him asking how late I was going to be out, who was I going out with, how many male-Elves were going to be there, things like that. It wasn't him…it was more like me needing space sort of thing."

"Sounds like a bad marriage if you ask me," mumbled Aragorn.

"What was that?" Legolas turned his attention to him.

"Huh? What? I didn't say anything," the Ranger shrugged his shoulders.

"Gimmmm-li the Housewife!" coughed Gandalf.

"Beg your pardon?" Legolas asked again.

"What? Oh, no, you are mistaken, I didn't say anything," he also lied.

"Wait for us!" hollered Pippin.

"Yes, especially for the stumpy Dwarf behind us!" added Merry. Gimli was grumbling at the remark, trying his best to catch up with the Hobbits to cut them in half with his axe. Because his legs were shorter than the rest of his upper body the task wasn't an easy one.

"Will someone please carry the Lock-bearer?" Gandalf asked.

Everyone halted and looked at the Elf.

"What? Uh-nooo…don't look at _meeeeh_!" Legolas was furiously shaking his head in disapproval.

"Oh, c'mon, Legolas. I mean look at him," Aragorn said in a whiney voice as everyone turned their attention to the short, long, red-bearded fellow running in a stiff side-to-side motion as if he was a cripple.

"Aww…poor thing…" the Hobbits sniffled.

"Oh, please give me a break…" Legolas rolled his eyes. "He'd probably be ahead of everyone if you told him he could have the rusty metal rakes in the tool shed outside or told him if he kept up with everyone, someone would give him a shiny rock to play with. What Aulë the Smith was thinking when he created their race is beyond me…"

"Probably too much metal in the head is what it was," Merry quietly said to Pippin.

The Took nodded in agreement. "Yup…probably too much metal."

"You know him best, Legolas. It's only fitting that you carry him," Gandalf replied.

"Aren't you Elves supposed to be strong and all that whoo-ha?" asked Pippin in thought.

"Unseen to the eyes of the likes of you, there are things crawling in his beard…and probably elsewhere too…" Legolas slowly glanced at him.

"Ewww…." Everyone followed.

"What? Is something the matter? Why have we stopped?" Gimli asked while scratching his head once he finally caught up.

"You know I'm an old man, Legolas, and cannot do it myself. You know I would if I could, but its just one of those things. Darn that father time!" the Istari was finding all the excuses he could think of.

"Yeah, umm…my arm, wow…there's this sharp pain right there and you know…ouch," Aragorn also starting making up his excuses pretending that he twisted his arm in some fashion and couldn't carry the Dwarf either.

The three looked at the Hobbits.

"What? What are you looking at us for? He weighs more than me and Pippin plus Frodo and Sam combined!" said Merry.

"I'm fragile," Pippin nodded. "And he's all sweaty!"

"What's this conference about that you're having?" asked Gimli.

"Nothing! Just go and play with your shiny rocks over there in the corner," the prince shooed him away. Gimli smiled that the favorable object and did as he was told. "There you go…good little Dwarf. Yes, you are! Yes, you are!" he said in his baby voice impression.

Everyone stared at him with a questioning look on their faces.

"What? I was merely trying to distract him?" he replied.

"Anyhow! As I was saying," the wizard continued, "You have to be the one to carry Gimli."

"But whhhhhy!" Legolas whined some more.

"Because no one else will…duh…" Aragorn answered.

"Why not just leave him? I mean, look at him," he pointed. Gimli was playing with his shiny rock like a cat playing with a string of yarn or catnip.

"Because if the Sues get a hold of him, they'll want to return him to his rightful owner, which is you, making them more determined to find you. Get it?"

"And, if you don't carry him while we are trying to escape them, the Sues will catch you and watch you like a guard dog. Before this story ends, you will end up having winged, glittery, owl-eyed, mutated Elven-children. The kind of children you _can't_ bring home to father," warned the Maia.

"Good point. Let's go Gimli son of Groin…errr…Glóin!" he dragged the Dwarf by the beard.

**End of Chapter**

**Part XIV coming soon…**


	14. What the Balrog?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part XIV:**

**What the Balrog?**

"Oooh, I'm getting goose bumps!" shivered Pippin.

"I know the feeling, Pip," said the other Hobbit.

"Keep running you two," Gandalf motioned.

The battle cries in the distance were getting louder like booms of lightening in the sky and the flooring beneath their feet was starting to shake.

"Bunch of cave Trolls is what they are!" Gimli held tightly onto his axe as he was still being dragged on the floor by Legolas. "I'll hack their ugly little prancing braids off!"

"Uhh...for your information, Gimli, the all Sues happen to be beautiful," Pippin said. "Too tall for me, but beautiful."

"Frankly, I like tall females," Merry nudged the Took with a sly look on face. Pippin looked back at him dumbfounded.

Merry shook his head. "Oh, nevermind!"

"Bah...beautiful! I think not," the Dwarf retorted. "Give 'em a good beard, some hair on their chests and some meat on them bones then we'll talk about beautiful!"

"Ewww..." the Hobbits said in disgust.

"Hush!" said the wizard. "The noises have stopped...strangely enough..."

"What are you talking about old man? That's good!" replied Legolas as everyone took a break from their getaway.

"Don't be so sure..." Aragorn carefully started looking around the dimly lit corridor. "Something feels eerie..."

Legolas gulped, pointing nervously from whence they came. His company turned their heads in the same direction and almost peed their pants.

"Ooops..." Pippin looked down at himself, his face bright red.

From out of the shadows came marching that which Legolas feared the most. He turned a shade lighter than pale with his mouth agape.

"Eww, he's drooling," said Merry.

"Better him than me!" Pippin answered.

"Brace yourselves, friends," Gimli prepared to attack.

"Oh dear, I feared this would happen," sighed Gandalf.

"This is not good. Not good at all," Aragorn began to slowly walk away.

"They're...they're...they're..." Legolas tried to get out. "MARY-SUE FAN GIRLS!" The prince once again ran screaming like a damsel in distress down the endless path they've been on for hours/days/weeks/years, his figure being shaped into the walls he was smashing through.

The Mary-Sue Fan girls. One of the most, if not the most, dreaded alliances in all of Middle-earth. With their combined girliness, strength, power, sensible fashion style and killer looks, these females were almost unstoppable. Their armies have been known to capture their lust object or main character in need of protection without fail. The Valar was still categorizing the types of creatures they've spawned to this day. Whenever the Holy Ones thought their task was done, new ones would spring up like rabbits and unlike the inhabitants of Middle-earth, they never had to worry about Fan girls or the Mary-Sues entering their domain. They were too "boring" as what was stated in a recent poll. One comment from a fan girl said, "Like, gross! Why would I want to lust over some ugly fat man name Manway who lives on a crummy old mountain? As if!" Surprisingly...she was never heard or seen from again...

"Quickly everyone, follow the Elf!" yelled the wizard. Soon, more cookie-cutter shapes were made through the wall like their companion.

Legolas was frantic and couldn't stop himself from running through the walls. He kept picturing in his mind what Gandalf told him about having mutated elven-children if they got a hold of him, especially if it was a Mary-Sue Fan girl. Sure, the child could have flavored lip gloss for a brain but what he worried about the most was that he/she/it would be more beautiful than him, which he absolutely couldn't allow to happen. He couldn't let some snot-nosed child get all the attention, that would defeat his entire purpose for living! Well...besides needing to help protect his kingdom or something of that sort...he couldn't remember.

The prince also didn't think he could handle the 9-5 job ordeal, making ends meat for their 10 mutants...errr...children, I mean. He might have been a prince, but once his father finds out what evil thing has spawned within their lineage, he too would pee in his loins. The though of having a beard himself from lack of sleep and stress and shaggy hair to add on to the misery that could befall him of being a house-father almost made him gag. "No beer-belly for me!" he shook his head.

"STOP!" Legolas' face ran into a big metal hand.

"Ouch, you jerk! That hurt! What's the big idea running into me like that?" Legolas glared at him then gasped when he realized what it was.

"Your face was the one who slammed into my hand, Elf!" he answered.

"A…a…a Nazgûl?" he looked at the figure before him again.

"Yeah, what of it?" the Nazgûl calmly replied. He stood in front of a door like a bouncer.

"What are you doing here? Or rather, standing there in front of the door like that?"

The Ringwraith looked down on him and appeared to be glaring. Legolas couldn't really tell because of the black ugly hood he was wearing. "What does it look like? Keeping guard! ….Duh."

"Well, why this door and not the others?"

"For an Elf who should be combing their hair a hundred times in front of a mirror, you sure do ask a lot of questions."

"Hey! I resent that! …It's a thousand times," the prince correct.

_Ooomphf! _Came the rest of the Fellowship behind Legolas in one heap of bodies.

"So, here you are!" said Pippin. "Eeeep! It's a…Nazgûl?"

The Nazgûl rolled his eyes. "And let's give the Hobbit a mushroom for his observant ways," he sighed sarcastically.

"A mushroom? Really!" Pippin's eyes lit with joy. "Because I am getting quite famished." Merry nudged him in the ribs. "What?"

"What the Balrog!" said Gandalf as he saw him.

"Oh, hey, old man. Long time no see," he waved.

"Sir, you must let us through. This is a matter of great emergency," Aragorn pleaded.

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that before. Last time I fell for that trick, someone only had to use the loo. Psh…like they couldn't just go outside…honestly…"

"My very Elf-like existence depends on me getting past that door! If they catch me I'll turn into a big bellied, bloated son of an…really ugly, ugly…relative of Gollum!" Legolas thought of something cleaver to say. "Either that or be worshiped forever by beautiful maidens not ever having to lift a finger and have all my wishes come true…hmm…wait a minute…"

_BOP!_

"Get over yourself, Greenleaf," came from Gandalf. He walked to the back of the group, pouting and rubbing his head.

"What? …It could happen! There's a chance I could be worshipped like a god."

"Yes, or sacrificed for one."

"Hmm…good point," he shut his mouth.

Pippin leaned in to Merry, "And ugh…does Gollum have some ugly relatives. Remember the Middle-earth Family Game Olympics?"

Merry nodded with a shiver of disgust. "Sloppy, ugly cheaters! They shouldn't have been allowed to participate in the creepy, crawling creatures on the side of the mountain/cave race. His sister was sort of pretty though. Keep smiling and winking at me if I recall correctly."

"That was his uncle."

"Oh, right…"

"Sir, I will not ask you again," Aragorn said firmly this time.

The Nazgûl covered his nose. "I have two words for you Ranger: breath mint."

Gimli pushed him to the side to try and get the Nazgûl to let them through.

Aragorn was off in the corner breathing into his hand and smelling it to see if his breath was indeed smelling a little foul. "I smell nothing?" he shrugged. The two Hobbits rolled their eyes at each other not wanting to say anything directly to him about it.

"Listen here you over-grown excuse for a tin can! You call that an armor underneath those raggedy robes? I bet you a beautiful, bearded Dwarf goddess that I could easily break that armor with one swing from my axe!" said Gimli.

"Oh, yeah little Gnome?" replied the Nazgûl. "I'd like to see you try it!"

Gimli's eyes went red with fury. "A GNOME! A GNOME! How dare you insult me," he went charging directly for him until he tripped over his own beard.

Merry ended up pushing the Nazgûl backwards, him falling over Pippin who was on all fours right behind the Ringwraith. A clashing of armor that sounded like pots and pans came crashing to the ground.

"You clumsy fool!" said Gandalf. "Get up from off the ground so that we can be on our way!"

"I can't!" the Dwarf pouted.

"And why not?" Legolas asked exasperatedly. "They're getting closer, we need to escape!"

"Because…my foot is stuck inside my beard," he pouted again with his arms folded.

"Oh Prince Legolaaaaaas!" female voices were heard.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Legolas grabbed Gimli by the hair and went running like a mad lunatic through the locked door, which he broke. The others followed all taking a turn jumping, stomping, or playing hop-scotch on top of the Nazgûl's body that they trampled over.

**End of Chapter **

**Part XV coming soon…**


	15. The Therapist's Office

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

**  
My Head Hurts**

**Part XV:**

**The Therapist's Office**

Legolas sat up rubbing head. He looked around at the room examining the items he saw. There was a desk, a chair and a comfy lounge kind of bed-chair next to it, along with some plants and office supplies such as pens, pencils and paper. "We're hereeeeeee!" he shouted for joy. "This has to be the therapist's office!"

"Well, whoopty-freakin' doo!" Aragorn shoved him off. Unknown to the prince, he was sitting on top of everyone.

"I cannot breaaaaathe!" Pippin's voice came from the bottom heap.

Merry sniffed the air due to an odd smell and slowly glanced at Gimli who's lower half was sticking upwards exposing his rear end. "Uhhh...better keep holding your breath there, Pip..."

"What? What'd you say, Merry? Huh... _sniff_ ...oh...ewww!"

"Some assistance here, please!" Gimli tried wiggling himself loose. Gandalf rolled his eyes and poked Gimli in the rear with his staff letting him free.

"Where is she?" Legolas was searching the room frantically. "I must speak to her before they get here!"

"Did someone call for me?" a female voice was heard. The Fellowship turned their attention to the voice and saw a short woman with white hair pinned up and plump, rosy cheeks come out of another door. They looked at her with stumped expressions. "What?" she said. "I had to use the loo."

"Are you...the therapist?" asked the prince.

"Yes, I am. Did you have an appointment?"

"Oh, yes! My name is Legolas Greenleaf."

She walked over to her desk and looked at her planner where her scheduled appointments were listed. She adjusted her glasses then said, "Ah, yes...Legolas Greenleaf. Right on time," she smiled.

"Right on time!" he repeated then quickly glared at Gandalf. They'd been searching for her office for what felt like years only to hear her say that he was on time. Something didn't feel right. Gandalf smiled sweetly and just shrugged his shoulders telling the prince he didn't know what she was talking about.

"All right then, shall we get started? Come, come...sit down," she motioned him over to the bed-chair opposite of where she sat herself. His friends sat on the couches provided by the wall.

"So, prince, tell me what ails your troubled mind?" The therapist took out her notebook and prepared to write.

"Fangirls and Mary-Sues! That's what has me so paranoid these days!" he exclaimed.

"Among other things..." Aragorn whispered.

"Hmm...yes, I see..." she jotted down a few notes. "Continue..."

"I was a fine, happy prince, strictly going by what was written in the books until that one Hobbit-looking director decided to make a grand epic movie..."

"I see...continue..."

"Once the first movie came out, they came out of nowhere like an unseen force of evil!"

"I see. So, now tell me," she adjusted her glasses again, "What or how did this exactly effect you? Let's get to the root of the problem. Start from the very beginning..."

Legolas thought for a moment. "Well, once upon a time ago..."

_BAM! _

_CRASH!_

_STOMP!_

His words were cut off by the sudden noise.

"They're heeeereee!" squeeled Pippin.

One of the Sues pushed down the door holding the Ringwraith (who appeared to be unconscious) with one hand as if he was as light as a feather. She threw him across the room to where they crowded together holding each other. Once he landed, his hood fell down exposing his face.

"BOROMIR!" they looked dumbfounded.

"You were the Nazgul?" Aragorn poked him with his foot.

"Ouch, you filthy Ranger! ...That hurt," Boromir sat up rubbing his bruises. "Yes, it is I. After I ran away - I mean - went to seek help, I ran into the therapist on her way to get something to eat. She said if I cooked her meals for her, she would give me a good job, a job with authority that would make people listen to me... because no one listens to me! That's why I took on the role of standing guard at her door disguised as a Nazgul."

"I'm sorry, did you say something, Boromir?" asked Pippin.

"Augh! See what I mean!" he crossed his arms.

The Fellowship was too busy staring at the Mary Sues and Fangirls by the doorway, looking ready to pounce on the prince, ignoring his entire speech.

"Hey, where'd the therapist go?" Merry suddenly asked.

"You're right. I don't see her anywhere," said Gandalf.

"It doesn't matter! She will be of no use to us with her stubby legs," snorted the Dwarf.

"Speak for yourself..." Aragorn whispered to the Halflings.

"We thank you for your bread crumbs," said the head Sue to Gandalf. He nervously laughed and backed away in their direction by the door.

"What does she mean bread crumbs?" Legolas asked him sternly. "Care to tell what she meant, old man!"

Gandalf cleared his throat. "Umm...actually...I'm not Gandalf..."

"What? What do you mean you're not Gandalf! If someone doesn't give me an explanation to what is going on, I'm going to...umm...umm...change my face to look like Gimli's!"

Everyone flinched at the idea. "Augh..."

"You see prince, Gandalf is not Gandalf...and I am not the therapist..." the supposed therapist appeared from behind the Sues.

"Then who the bloody troll are you?" Legolas was ready to pull his hair out.

"I am...Samwise Gamgee!" he unzipped the body suit from top to bottom.

"And...it's me...Frodo!" he also unzipped his Gandalf costume.

The two Hobbits stood proudly next to each other for their clever deception.

"Frodo? Sam?" Merry took turns looking at one then the other.

"Sam! I knew that figure looked familiar!" Pippin smiled. "I just knew it."

"Shut up, Pip," Merry shook his head at him.

"What?" the Took looked confused.

"Why you little, hairy-footed..." Legolas was ready to strangle them.

"Tsk, tsk, Legolas! Don't forget whom we have as our back up," Frodo reminded him.

"I don't get it, why do all this?" asked Boromir.

"Because! That Elf is the one getting all the attention when it should be Master Frodo!" Sam said angrily. "He's the hero, not that princess!"

"We figured why not have the Mary Sues and the Fangirls after you in one story. You know, see what happens. See if you'd crack and really be called a crazy loon. That's why I secretly placed bread crumbs for the Sues so they could easily follow us," explained Frodo.

"Yes, and because we were bored in the Shire," added Sam.

"Like, hey, wait a minute. Now that we're both here – us, and these Sues - who gets the prince? I've had our date totally planned out for like days now and don't need one of them to ruin the mood," a Fangirl looked up and down at the female warriors.

"Excuse you, little pig," a Sue retorted. "We could have you hung by your nose if you are not careful with your tongue."

Suddenly they heard:

"Yeah!"

"Who gets the prince!"

"Us! He is ours!"

"No, he's ours!"

"Back off blonde!"

Were the words thrown back and forth between the females.

Frodo threw his hands up. "It doesn't matter! You choose between yourselves! Our only goal was to make his journey here miserable."

_BANG!_

_CRASH!_

_THUD!_

"YOU!" a half naked old man tied up hopped into the room.

"Gandalf!" Aragorn looked at his wrinkled form. "What the...where did you come from?"

"That little mischievous Hobbit is what happened to me!" he pointed at Frodo who he knocked into the wall with his powers. Frodo was happily smiling at the rings he saw floating around his head.

"Master Frodo!" Sam came running to his aid.

"That fool of a Hobbit blind-sided me and knocked me unconscious, stole my robes and tied me up!" he puffed. "Once I am free from these ropes I will turn him into a mushroom and have Pippin eat him for second breakfast!"

"Mushroom? Second breakfast?" Pippin's ears perked up. "When do we eat!"

Frodo gulped nervously.

"Here, old friend, let me help you," Legolas gave an evil grin towards the Hobbit.

Once Gandalf was loose he tried aiming for Frodo again and instead, hit one of the Sues with his spell turning her into a mushroom just as he said he would do to Frodo. Pippin couldn't help himself and dove down and swallowed her. "I'm hungry!" he tried reasoning to everyone.

The Sues got angry while the Fangirls started laughing. When the wizard tried again, Frodo pushed one of the Fangirls in front of him, thus also turning her into a mushroom. This time, Sam ate her. "What? I'm famished too, y'know! Boromir was rendered unconscious before he could make us lunch. I'm tired of cooking all the time!"

This angered both sides, the room erupting in a huge fight. Hair, heels, skirts, and weapons of sorts began flying through the air once more. All the men ducked down on all fours and started crawling anywhere they could find shelter. Gandalf was still trying to turn Frodo into a mushroom but kept missing. The various items that he turned into the fungus, the other three Hobbits started eating like a food contest.

"Eww..." Legolas started gagging. "I think I'm going to sick...again..." he hurred over a trash can.

"What's the big fuss about...they're just mushrooms?" Boromir rolled his eyes.

Legolas wiped his mouth clean with his sleeve. "I know that. I wasn't referring to that...I had a hairball caught in my throat..."

"Eww..." Boromir and Aragorn looked at each other.

"What! Blame Gimli!" the prince pointed to him. The Dwarf was off in the corner playing with his shiny rocks again, giggling and calling them his precious.

"I don't even want to know..." Aragorn whispered...

"That was mine!"

"No, it wasn't!"

"It was mine!"

"Finder's eaters!"

"You took it from me!"

"Spit it out!"

"Come get it!"

The Halflings starting going at it about who's mushroom it was that Pippin grabbed and ate. Sam and Merry both looked at the Took as if _they_ were going to eat him. Pippin slowly started backing away and finally dashed off, running frantically around the room, throwing whatever he could find at them.

"Someone help meeee!" he screamed like a girl (yet again).

"Help yourself!" snubbed Boromir. "We have our own problems."

Suddenly and old friend of Aragorn's appeared. "Oh, you son of an Orc!" he scurried away from Boromir.

Boromir gave the Ranger a strang look for his behavior. "What's up his dirty rear end, I wonder? ...Wooow...what the Eru was that!" Something small, fluffy and white zipped passed him. When he stuck his head out from under the desk where they were hiding, he saw a small poodle running in Aragorn's direction.

The Ranger tried shooing her away with his boot. "Go away you cotton ball of a mutt! I still reek of your pee from our last encounter!" The dog just kept barking, who seemed to have taken a liking to him. "Go pee on one of the Hobbits! Better yet, go eat one of them!"

As Pippin dashed by Strider, he saw the dog and picked it up then threw it above his head hoping to hit one of his fellow Halflings. The dog landed on Merry's face that caused Sam to collide into him from behind. "Eww...get this stinky dog off me!" he yelled. Pippin and Aragorn began to snicker.

Legolas saw the door un-guarded with none of the Sues or Fangirls near it. He thought if he was quiet and quick enough he could make a good getaway. He counted to three then quickly got up and dashed for the door. He was almost there until someone grabbed him by the legs.

"Legolas! Please help me! Take me with you!" Pippin begged.

"You idiot! Shut up or someone will hear you, then I'll...I mean...we'll never escape!"

Pippin nodded and let go, but as soon as he did, he went back down again. This time Sam and Merry grabbed onto his legs. "Oh no you don't, Peregrin Took!" they said.

"Oh well...look at the time!" Legolas shrugged and continued on his mission. But then suddenly, he too, went down for the count. "What the bloody Eru!"

"And where do you think you're going, dear prince?" said Aragorn.

"If we're going to get battered and bruised by these beautiful - some of them brainless - monsters, you're coming down with us!" added Boromir.

"I don't think so!" Legolas began to crawl with all of his strength using only his upper-body towards the door. The two Men held on tighter with Pippin also holding onto them for the ride, as the other two Hobbits doing just the same by holding on tightly. "Some of you need to lose weight, let go you jerks!"

"Hey, look! It's Legolas!" Frodo yelled to try and divert the Sues and the Fangirls in his direction so he could hide in between them. Gandalf was still running around as a half-naked, wrinkled, old madman.

"Curse you!" the prince yelled. He was almost at the door when a pair of feet blocked his way. Legolas slowly looked up and gulped. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I've come to claim my husband, that's what!" she said. "Aragorn Elessaaaar!"

Now Aragorn gulped. "Arwen!" he stood up from off the floor.

"There you are. You were supposed to massage my feet days ago! This whole time I thought you were out in the woods gathering more dirt, I find you here playing with your friends! And with females no less!" she glared at him.

"But, darling...tis not what you think..." he approached her.

Once he got close, she pinched him by the ear. "That should teach you. It's time for you to come home...now!"

"Ouch! ...But love pudding...!"

"Aragorn, you can't leave! The other Fangirls at our I-love-Aragorn-sheath-my-sword website are waiting for our interview with you via live webcam! You totally have to stay!" one of the said.

Arwen turned around with an eyebrow raised. "Excuse me?"

"Excuse yourself, honey. Like don't be selfish...I'm sure there's plenty of him to go around," another Fangirl winked at him. The Ranger looked at his wife with fear in his eyes.

"That's it," she rolled up her sleeve. "I didn't waste my immortality on a Man, only to have him be seduced by little teeny-boppers from a foreign country with horrible grammar..." She chanted a words of spell in elvish and sucked up all the air she could muster and then exhaled, blowing all the Sues and the Fangirls out the windows that stood almost as tall as the walls they were build on.

"You tell them, love! Huff and puff and blow their...umm...hair spray down!" cheered Aragorn.

"You be quiet. You're not out of the clear yet from my wrath."

"Yes, dear..."

When the coast seemed clear, the remaining Fellowship came out of their hiding spots.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Arwen!" Legolas kissed her feet.

"Get away from my wife's feet! If there's any lips to be kissing her feet...they belong to her children!"

"What?"

"I mean...uhh...me...her husband!"

Arwen rolled her eyes. "Come on, Elessar. Your son has been attempting to clean your dirt collection again."

"What! How could he! Have I taught him nothing!" he cried then ran out the door followed by his wife.

"Well, since there's no point in staying in this story any longer, I'm leaving," Boromir also exited. "Please just send the bill for those Nazgul robes, thanks."

"And, well, the Shire also seems to be calling. Time to do that good old spring cleaning of junk Bilbo left behind..." Frodo ran for the door. Sam, Merry and Pippin were right on his heels but got stuck in between the doorway as all three of them tried getting out at the same time.

Gandalf put on the robes from Frodo's costume and came behind them in pursuit. "Tis not over yet you midgets!"

Legolas looked around. "Well...I guess it's just you and me now Gimli..."

"Yes, I suppose so. I think I too shall be going. There's more rocks and metal to be mined and polished." He walked over the prince and bowed. "I will keep in touch," he winked.

Once Gimli turned around, Legolas pinched his bottom. "Call me!" he blushed. After everyone left, he was finally able to relax. He turned the couch right side up and slumped down on it, closing his eyes for a brief second. "Ah...no more Sues or Fangirls...I think I'm cured..." he smiled. Just then, thunder and lightening graced the sky. He ran to the window to see what the commotion was about.

This time, instead of Sues and Fangirls falling into Middle-earth, he saw more Aragorns, Boromirs, Hobbits, Haldir and even Elrond making their way towards the palace. "Oh, Legolas dear!" he called out to him.

"NOOOOO! I forgot about the slash-paring stories!" he cried. "I want Gimli!" he too ran out the therapist's office except when through the wall instead of the door.

I guess he wasn't cured after all...

**

* * *

**

THE END!


End file.
